Speaking with Geeroh about Blue Roast made me think of my college life. Particularly, who will I give my rose to?
It's not as if I have options... the people that have changed my life the most have either graduated, or are far from graduating. It's not like I can bring back old options... But let us contemplate on each one...
1. First-year girl...
I know who this is... Do you? Well, it doesn't matter since I'm not putting any names here. Just ask me about this, if you dare do so. For the first half of AdMU-LS life, she was the best friend I could run to. I used to talk to her about anything. Everything changed soon after. And conflict with asungot might have contributed to that change. I don't entirely blame her... girls stick together. Would it hurt to at least hear me out before judging me and sending my life into a downward spiral?
2. Anyone in my first block...
There are thirty-eight others here... My relationships with these guys have been strange. There are some I get along with, some, I don't. Most, I don't, actually... I have been called names behind my back. I have my sources. I know that I am disliked, and it doesn't matter to me. I don't give a fuck whether they love me or not. Talking about block unity back in first year. WHAT BULLSHIT! What happened to unity? What part of unity is leaving someone out? What happened to me? I never felt like I was a part of that damned block unity we were talking so much about. I never felt it.
3. My second block...
This is a no-brainer... I'm not entirely close with these people. There are some, however, who I know I can grow to love... Mara, perhaps. Pat... maybe. Paoi and the others are pretty great guys too, however... We're not the best of friends. Too bad I didn't get to know them so much. Being with them might have changed my spiraling life a little bit better. What if I had just gotten to know them a little bit more? Would my life be different.... Maybe it would turn out significantly different.
4. My third block...
Easily a "no" as well. See number 1. The core of these guys that were really my friends took her side. I know we're all okay, but the judging has begun... and I am sick and tired of the innocent and omnipotent acts the front. If they knew who I was, what my history before college was, they would stop giving me their damn bullshit. I know they don't like me. I know that. I know that perhaps, if they knew anything at all about me, we wouldn't have even begun to be friends.
5. My neighbor...
No names yet again... He's a sort of neighbor. It would be gay to give the rose to a guy... But other than that, he tried to keep me from doing something I love... that did it. Maybe, I've been patient too long, maybe I just got tired of his condescending attitude at times. I'm tired of his disrespect towards my in-school brothers and sisters. Reciprocity of help and care is all we show for each other, but it's never been anything else. The bond feels like it is hung by tape, and will fall soon. But I hope it won't. Seems feasible.
6. Nica?
Changed me? Check. For the better? I wish I could say that. Everything I did not want to become, I became with her, and my personality has changed so much that I barely even know myself anymore. I am not the guy who I wanted to be, but I'm happy being me. So, what's wrong? Where's the me I used to know? What happened to the me I wanted to be? There's such a little part left, and I feel like this blood-sucking bitch took him away from me. So, I guess not...
7. The Frozen Bananas Family
In 2011, I became a TnT, a group of hyper bastards that run, jump and dance around the covered courts to welcome the freshmen each year. This is where (number 6) and I met. This family, though not being the reason, was when my life had changed a whole lot. I had met an amazing 100++ individuals, willing to be a family for a reason. Though I never really got along with everyone, I could say that I loved being a part of the family, though I don't share the same sentiments with each person. Of course, as individuals, you have to express a different liking for each of them. You can't like each one of them for the same reasons, and it's improbable to like one person as much as the other. Arjo had been a great friend in this introduction to the family. Geeroh, all the more. Jayvee, Drew, Jeje, and all the others I will not mention anymore for the sake of shortening the post have all been brothers and sisters to me. But then I only have one rose, and I can't give one to one hundred plus.
8. The First Batch of Babies
It has been more than one year since I left them. They have survived on their own for so long... and I'm a proud father of three (TnT terminologies). I am really proud of who they have become. They have been the better halves of me, and it's an amazing experience to TnT alongside that lot. I hope that one John Oliver joins their ranks next year. I will be a proud father of four by then. I wish to see them when I come back to visit, once I have moved on from that life.
9. The Second Bath of Babies
I don't want to admit this to anyone, but in general, I like this batch more. I have learned not to expect from promises, however, I have hope. So far, SKR, Jasmine, Hanna D., and Gabriel have all said they would be TnT's plus, two SecMobs in Thomas and Wayne, as I have heard. I hope for more, but they will never get to experience the OrSems I did for no OrSem is the same. They won't be able to handle a block like the block they showed me they could be. It makes me proud to see the only legacy that I have left for them. I have no concrete gift for them, nothing they could keep to remember me by. In the future, I will be just a fragment of their freshman memory. I won't be in existence to them anymore. In the future, they will be on their own. In the future, as much as I don't want to think about it, they won't be a block. They will be their own individuals, striving for their individual futures. The legacy that Juancho, Erika, Asia and myself will be nothing but memories in their hearts and in their minds. But we did our best, let's hope that the best was good enough.
I don't have so many options, but I have months to decide. I don't have so much time to think because of all the bullshit schoolwork. Then again, I might run into someone worth giving it to, or I may have missed someone. But thinking about this made me realize that I have, but is she the right one? I've always been running to her for a lot of the things in life. I could depend on her to be a friend, to be a bro, a sis, to be a part of a bigger family; to be a bigger part of my life. Maybe the recipient is who I expect it to be. The recipient could not be on the list. Maybe I'm intentionally forgetting to put her for the surprise, or maybe I want one of the ten options to be the one (see above). But there are only nine now, there's room for maybe, one more.
