The First Love

February 18, 2013.

Dear Janine,

It's been a long time since September 1, 2009. Do you remember that date? Do you remember that day?

I'm not sure if you do, but I will never forget it. It just so happened that I never forgot how I felt that day. It just so happens that I realized the other night that I never will. I even remember the exact words I spoke to you, "Janine... I like you. Gets?"

That was almost four years ago. Since then, we've had our own ups and downs (whether with each other or not) and so, I want to tell you first, that everything that has happened since then has been some lame excuse for me to fail at everything else I do. I know that a life without you (or at least a life where-in I never tried) is a life I do not want to live. I know that we both went in opposite directions and that you may think we are never going to go anywhere, but I want you to know that I still believe in something...

It may be crazy to believe so, but I do... Just because I'm crazy about you. I don't see any reason for you to even give a thought to this, but at least allow me to get it off my chest. Just so I can say that I've tried... more than once. And if you still feel the same way after four years, then I guess we were never meant to be. But meaning is something you can give. If you mean for something to happen, then, something will.

I was out last Saturday night... I was at a party... I had a couple of drinks, and I was spending my time at a Valentine's party alone. I knew Veron was going to be there, and thinking about my feeling for her (and everyone else I knew I liked) gave me a realization I knew was true, a realization that I did not want to accept. On February 14, 2013, I gave Veron a rose, thinking that I really liked her. It was the first Valentine's day that I gave a person a rose out of pure intention that I did like her; or so I thought. On February 15, someone told Veron that I used to have feelings for her, when in fact, I only thought I did.

My realization pointed me to the truth, I only liked so many other girls to try and distract myself from thinking of you, realizing that maybe unconsciously, I was too scared to do anything because you were still around, and when sometimes I feel like the feeling died, it rose from the ashes. Feelings are tricky things to have. Once you have them, truthfully and purely, especially the first time around... they don't go away. Feelings get the better of people a lot of times, but they are also the best things for people to have.

And I know that now, we're almost done, just a couple of weeks to go, many things could happen to us. I could see you again after graduation, but then there is a chance that I won't. I've been making promises to do this for the longest time, but I kept failing because you, yourself said that you don't want to get involved in a relationship until after you graduate. You've held up your end of the bargain. However, if you recall, I made a declaration on the evening of September 1, 2009. I told you that I will try again, and you said, "maybe." While some people say that maybe is not a good sign, the recently optimistic Justin sees a maybe as, "try, you have nothing to lose."

Tradition says that, in Ateneo, the Blue Rose should be given to your first love. And rightfully so, blue roses are improbable due to genetic limitation. I hope I am making myself clear with these intentions. I'm not trying to win you over. I am not trying to ask you out. I'm not trying to say you should be my girlfriend, I am not even asking you to give me a chance. Although, I am hoping you would.

I am just sharing to you my realization, that I love you. I have been for the past few years, and somehow, it didn't take too much to relive how I felt and take me back to the better person that I wanted to be. It's hard to live through these feelings, it's a trouble for me to do this. It took me a while to realize this and this may be too late (or too early). I don't want you to feel any pressure. I know it's too soon because we just finished college, and we haven't even graduated yet... But just so you know... All I have to say is, "I love you."