To Janine: A Sad Story

Let's get creative with this one. I'll tell you what happened in the form of a short story.

So, it was Valentine's day, 2012. As usual, Justin was excited to make things happen. As he performed the usual routine of bringing his sister school, he bought three flowers for three special friends, Mon, Nica and RJ. He got the school, awaited all his classes to end and immediately retrieved the flowers and rushed to where special friend number one was.
As all of his friends would have expected, it was Nica. With her was RJ. Justin was ready to give the flowers, and so he did. Nica was waiting for him, and RJ was busy writing all the Valentine's letters she was about to give. As RJ was finishing that, Justin stepped out with Nica by his side. Justin was eager to ask Nica out on Friday, despite the work they were going to do.

So he asked her out. Thinking that their relationship was supposed to at least guarantee that she'd be at least willing to share whatever surprise Justin and his friends have planned.

"Please, I could kind of use the money," Nica said.

"But this is something special," Justin had replied. "It would mean so much to me if I could share this moment with you."

Nica replied, "please, I could use the money. Please please please please..."

Nica kept going on and on about it. And even after Justin's explanation, she wouldn't listen.

Eventually, it came to the point where it had just hurt more than the rejection. Nica stopped saying please, and said, "ditcher," instead. It had hurt Justin deeply, until all the hurt turned into anger.

"I'll be right back," Justin said as he got his last rose, and stormed out.

Justin met up with his dear friend, Mon near the Sec-B staircase, where he gave the rose to her, and asked her out for Friday instead. Mon was unsure and had informed Justin of her case.

After they had bid each other farewell, Justin was headed back to retrieve his stuff from where he once was. He got a text from Nica, asking him to buy bluebooks for her class. Already past the store, he went back to obtain the items needed.

He went back gave the books, grabbed his bag, and then left almost immediately. Justin went to other friends hanging around nearby. It was killing him how Nica wouldn't accept. It broke his heart.

Only days later, Justin was test-flying the sky lanterns they had bought for the surprise, and it pained him to watch the lanterns fly away with his buddy, Miguel. He won't show it, but he was already crying on the inside. When he and Miguel ran out of things to do, Justin got in his car and drove back home in tears. He couldn't really sleep and was unsettled for quite a number of days.

Finally, the day had come for the actual surprise. Justin was there alone, with his couple-buddies, Miguel, Alexa, Michaela and Joma. He was watching the lanterns fly away, disheartened that the unreachable lanterns, instead of being an offering of a great relationship to the heavens, symbolized the unreachable love he could never find with the girl he thought he loved so much.

The end.

PS. I hope you liked it. Actually, no, I don't... It's never nice to like a sad story, especially if it's a true story.

PPS. It's a very sad ending to something I thought would be great. I'm through with heartbreak, and it's really killing me deep inside to find people I can love, but would not return the love I give up so easily.

Being in-love is easy for me. It's not easy to get back up, but taking the fall for someone else comes naturally. I just want someone to take the fall for me, too. But no one's willing to... Right now, I really don't want to care about anyone except myself, but no matter how much I want that, it's not natural for me. Looks like 2012 is not at all better than 2011. It's turning out even worse, and life isn't a climb; it's a cliff, nowhere else to go but down. Sad, isn't it?

Feeling Needed

I don't know if I do have the right to get mad or anything, but this girl has been calling favors out from me. And yes, I do love her, so I try my best to do what she asks. If I can, then I will, if I can't, I'll try to help. It's been taking up a lot of time and sacrifice, but all of it's been killing me to the point that I feel like I'm just a need in her life.

Yes, I must admit that it feels good to feel needed at times, it makes me feel as if I'm important to someone, but it's nowhere near the feeling of being wanted and loved. And this girl makes me feel like I'm needed, but not in the good way. I feel like an expendable asset, and she needs me only to support her needs. That's not the way this should work. With certain groups, I feel needed and wanted. And I really want to feel loved. Not even by the gifts, or anything, I just want her to know that I'm there, and at least show me that she acknowledges me...... Here's to what I hope would be the last time she'll break my heart. Because of a stupid surprise that was planned for the girls, one thing that would have made me really happy to have experienced with her, then again... Now, after all the bullshit she's shown me... She's the last person I'd want to experience it with now.

Yes, that's her in the photo... During our "up" times. I know this will take time to get over, but... whatever happens should be for my happiness now. It's my turn to be selfish.

Forever (not quite) Alone (not quite).

So, it makes me kind of jealous that Junie has someone like Jellie to throw a surprise party for him, when the girl I like doesn't even notice me, and doesn't make as much effort as I give her.

It's sad to think about it, and since everyone around me is already starting to form a couple, I'm kind of left behind. What do I do now? I want her to do the same for me, she told me that she likes me (yes, that way). I don't feel it, though. What just happened to us? What happened to that moment last week? It's something worth remembering in my mind, because she was someone I really liked, and I really thought she was different from everyone else, but I guess, I don't know what to believe anymore. In any case, she could be a really great girl, if only she'd changed a little bit. There's just something about her. I know she's not all that to anyone else, but she's more than that to me. I guess I just need a little bit of faith, trust in her. What do I do when I can no more? I have my friends, but I still feel so alone. I just wish something would happen, and I have to do something about it.

Run Away

I know... it’s college. I’m supposed to do all the stupid stuff now. Why do I feel like I’m not? Life’s such a drag these days, and the worst part is, I have no one to talk to about it. Nica’s being non-responsive, and the others, I can’t even seem to tell. I want to get away from life as soon as possible. Maybe it would just be best for me to just disappear already, maybe for good. I don’t know where to go, though. It’s not a good idea, but it’s certainly better than staying here, where I am now. I could really use someone to talk to, but with all the bullshit that’s been happening, I am feeling so alone. I don’t really know what the best decision is right now, so I'll think it through. I'll find my ways.

I really wish I had someone to talk to, but right now, I feel like this is all I've got, some random blog that will help me at least make how I feel into something tangible, at least a collection of words, telling me how I really feel, and a way to go back to it. Right now, I want to hide, and just forget everything, all the bullshit that's been happening in my life. I want to run away, and not be found, maybe ever.

Happy New Year (Oops)

So, my last post was mistaken. I guess she didn't just get my hopes up. She didn't at all. She's still someone pretty special to me. I guess something might happen soon, I'm not sure if I really want it, but I have to make this mistake (if it is) to see where it will go. What can I do, now that the damage has been done?

She used to drive me crazy, then I couldn't stand her. Then, maybe, now she drives me crazy again. Is there really something wrong in this situation? I guess, or I could be wrong. Whatever this may be, I guess I have to deal with it. I have to live up to what has happened. I guess this has to lead somewhere. I'm waiting to see where it does.

Happy New Year

Now that I am in the dark, it is safe for me to say a lot. I won’t name names, just in case.

There was nothing else for me to be happy about with everything the way things turned out by the middle of the year 2011. Everything that I knew I should have been happy about turned out terribly wrong. It really is that hard to give everything for someone who wouldn’t return the favor. It has happened so many times, but I never seem to learn from it. I had become closer to the friends I have now, mostly in the KD groups, we had something to do, I had a part in it. I feel important, special and wanted there. That’s really the only thing I ever wanted, to feel loved. Something I rarely felt at all last year, especially with everything that has happened. I started to stop trusting certain people. I started not to care, I started becoming someone that I wasn’t (but then again, I think I was).

It all started with being in love, getting my hopes up. Her actions spoke for themselves. The actions were really no one could look over. It was entirely different from what she had said to begin with. Then, suddenly, one day, it was all gone. Everything we had just disappeared. Then, she ends up going back to normal, but suddenly in the arms of another. Did I really mean absolutely nothing to her? Or was she just too damn selfish to care about how I felt, and only care about how everything benefited her? I don’t really care now.

Then came along the second of all people who can get my hopes up; except, this time, it was a whole lot worse. This time, she had actually admitted that she had feelings for me. And she knew what happened. What happened with us, though? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I’m not even sure if we’re still friends after all we’ve been through. Talk about being led on… It’s much worse, but it wasn’t selfish. She was just confused, and it was crazy.

Third thing is the bitch, who I am convinced, ruined my already horrible life. I am certain that she is, indeed, selfish. She is a terrible liar, who manipulates people so she could get what she wants. But she has brought everyone else together against her. It’s been crazy, and I kind of feel like she did what she did in order to ruin another person’s image in my head (or to ruin my image in another person’s head). Either way, I don’t really think that she was ever my friend. Maybe, she was just passing it off to get someone on her side, perhaps to feel sorry for her when everyone would start to turn their backs on her. Too bad, I did, too.

These three people have nothing in common (except for the fact, that somehow, they managed to make 2011 a little bit more horrible). This started the decline, and I’m starting to feel a whole lot worse than how I ended in 2010. And 2010, was a whole lot better, even if it wasn’t spectacular.

But I have my friends, I have two couples, who I know would accept me for who and what I am. Along with a few other people, people who I consider like my brothers and sisters now.

Special

Special... Let us define:

SPECIAL:

1. distinct or particular in kind; unique

2. intended for a specific function, purpose or occasion

3. not ordinary or usual

4. exceptional

5. particularly valued

Particularly valued. I always set aside places for the best of things: like some folder in my computer for photos I love, files I always love to replay and play. I have a space in my room where all my most-used stuff are, like my basketball and my guitars, a small space under my bed where my shoes go. I always have space in my schedules for the people I love to hang out with. And I have a space in my heart for the people I love.

Who are these people anyway? These people are many: different people from different places, who have come into my life at different times. They hold their values, maybe different, but I try to make it equal, but you can't help holding other people closer than others. You can't help liking one person more. And especially in certain cases, you can't really help but outgrow some people; especially if these people had been involved in something wrong with you.

I don't want to get into details. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, of losses, of pain. I've had my fair share of confusion, of trial. I've had a fit of anger that is pretty hard to get over. It's getting better now. I don't need all the drama. I've a special place for all of that, it's called the past.

Right now, in the present, I've only limited space for things I really value. Well... I don't include crushes here, it would be impossible to rank them without bias, and you wouldn't believe me if I didn't, but these are the PEOPLE (people first) that I hold dear to me. Nica and Jayvee, without them, my TNT experience would be a bummer, perhaps.

Nica and Jayvee would probably be part of the barkada I wish I had long ago when I was younger. With them, nothing seems to be as heavy and as stressful. I'd probably be stuck in a heap of drama and loneliness if it weren't for these guys. I'm so thankful to God to have brought great friends like these into my life. No one's perfect, but some people come close, and there are things as the PERFECT FRIENDS.

The TNT's basically are all in there for me. I just needed to special mention two people. I would mention others, but I decided just now, about a hundred times that I will mention the other special TNT's in other posts, because this post is especially for them. :)