The First Love

February 18, 2013.

Dear Janine,

It's been a long time since September 1, 2009. Do you remember that date? Do you remember that day?

I'm not sure if you do, but I will never forget it. It just so happened that I never forgot how I felt that day. It just so happens that I realized the other night that I never will. I even remember the exact words I spoke to you, "Janine... I like you. Gets?"

That was almost four years ago. Since then, we've had our own ups and downs (whether with each other or not) and so, I want to tell you first, that everything that has happened since then has been some lame excuse for me to fail at everything else I do. I know that a life without you (or at least a life where-in I never tried) is a life I do not want to live. I know that we both went in opposite directions and that you may think we are never going to go anywhere, but I want you to know that I still believe in something...

It may be crazy to believe so, but I do... Just because I'm crazy about you. I don't see any reason for you to even give a thought to this, but at least allow me to get it off my chest. Just so I can say that I've tried... more than once. And if you still feel the same way after four years, then I guess we were never meant to be. But meaning is something you can give. If you mean for something to happen, then, something will.

I was out last Saturday night... I was at a party... I had a couple of drinks, and I was spending my time at a Valentine's party alone. I knew Veron was going to be there, and thinking about my feeling for her (and everyone else I knew I liked) gave me a realization I knew was true, a realization that I did not want to accept. On February 14, 2013, I gave Veron a rose, thinking that I really liked her. It was the first Valentine's day that I gave a person a rose out of pure intention that I did like her; or so I thought. On February 15, someone told Veron that I used to have feelings for her, when in fact, I only thought I did.

My realization pointed me to the truth, I only liked so many other girls to try and distract myself from thinking of you, realizing that maybe unconsciously, I was too scared to do anything because you were still around, and when sometimes I feel like the feeling died, it rose from the ashes. Feelings are tricky things to have. Once you have them, truthfully and purely, especially the first time around... they don't go away. Feelings get the better of people a lot of times, but they are also the best things for people to have.

And I know that now, we're almost done, just a couple of weeks to go, many things could happen to us. I could see you again after graduation, but then there is a chance that I won't. I've been making promises to do this for the longest time, but I kept failing because you, yourself said that you don't want to get involved in a relationship until after you graduate. You've held up your end of the bargain. However, if you recall, I made a declaration on the evening of September 1, 2009. I told you that I will try again, and you said, "maybe." While some people say that maybe is not a good sign, the recently optimistic Justin sees a maybe as, "try, you have nothing to lose."

Tradition says that, in Ateneo, the Blue Rose should be given to your first love. And rightfully so, blue roses are improbable due to genetic limitation. I hope I am making myself clear with these intentions. I'm not trying to win you over. I am not trying to ask you out. I'm not trying to say you should be my girlfriend, I am not even asking you to give me a chance. Although, I am hoping you would.

I am just sharing to you my realization, that I love you. I have been for the past few years, and somehow, it didn't take too much to relive how I felt and take me back to the better person that I wanted to be. It's hard to live through these feelings, it's a trouble for me to do this. It took me a while to realize this and this may be too late (or too early). I don't want you to feel any pressure. I know it's too soon because we just finished college, and we haven't even graduated yet... But just so you know... All I have to say is, "I love you."

Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, I always told myself that I would only blog about the important things in my life. That if something spectacular or special happened; I knew that it was certain that I’d write about it.

There have been quite a number already. There was the time I turned eighteen years old, back when I was in high school. There was the time that I had graduated high school. These blogs happened in the year when I had lost a family; that I knew that this family, would have already gone our own separate ways, knowing that we weren’t connected by blood. I wrote about these.

There was the time I discovered that I was in love for the first time, and my real discovery of what love is. Back then, it seemed that every moment, every emotion connected with “love” had been important. I wrote almost every single day.

Then there is today. There is that one thing that you’d think couldn’t be less special. It was homework; the kind that you have to work on, to be passed one meeting after. It was really nothing special, just another day in the office. I initially thought that it would just pass, like any other homework, and after everything is done, we would just go on and forget this project, forget what we’ve all been through. I thought that maybe even after all was said and done, we might even forget each other.

Everything started with a simple activity, within the classroom on the day that the homework was assigned. I was so excited to get the activity done, and to move on with the rest of the semester. We were only going to get grouped together once, once that all seven in our group would be in the same group for one entire project. I looked at that and saw that maybe, it was never going to be anything more than that.

          The session ended almost immediately, and we had planned to meet at the conclusion of that week, Friday, when we were all supposed to be free. It was just another session of brainstorming, just trying to complete the project. Nonetheless, it was entertaining. It was a great day, and it was productive. It was just that.

          We had assigned what needed to be done, what materials should each bring, and what we all needed to do over the weekend. Then online discussions began, ended and everything resumed the following week.

          Monday. This was the day when everything took a wild turn for the better. The dynamic of the project started to change completely. It was not just a project anymore, and our group was not just a group anymore. If there’s anything we learned in our Organizational Behavior class, it is that groups do not simply stay as groups forever. They form into teams; but we formed into so much more than that.

          I had to leave at 1130 from MVP221, the venue for most of the project work done. Coming back by 1200, it seemed as though nothing had really changed. The project was still under construction, and by 1220, only Mafee and myself remained in that room to take care of the project and whatever contents were left behind by the rest of the group (Roy, Fred, Berna, Alex, Matt).

          By 1300, I was left alone. I got to thinking how much this group, Factotum, was enjoying the project and each other’s company. I got to thinking how much I was enjoying this project and this group. We all developed into close friends really fast, and clearly one week was not enough time together.

          Like everything, Factotum had to begin from somewhere. It all started with issues. Roy, Fred, Berna and I were left behind in the small room where we had begun our project. Everything just became extremely fun from there. We had started to play around with the people in the group, pairing up Fred and Mafee, and me and Berna. It was all good, clean fun. Then Mafee joined us after a while, that’s when the fun began.

          Fake issues like these continued to linger on until the end of the day, around 1930, when we all parted ways to continue on our project the following day. Right then, I knew that come Wednesday, our project presentation was definitely going to be one hell of a ride. Between the seven of us, we knew that we were bound to enjoy our project.

          I eventually learned that something plain, simple and dull can be turned into something very interesting, and a lot of fun. All it took was the right attitude, and the right people to complement that. This is something I wouldn’t admit to everyone else, but if it weren’t for Roy, Fred and Mafee, the only juniors in our group, Factotum wouldn’t be any fun at all. Factotum became one thing that we did not want to leave behind. We were all sure that we would be great friends now and in the future. After all, all great stories end with that. And our story, which began with once upon a time in Com14, ended with happily ever after.

Twenty-Five

10.19.2012

A couple of days ago, I was sitting on the couch in my friend's house while looking at a reflection of myself in one of their glass cabinets. It had been a tiring day and we had just come from the gym and then one game of basketball, as I got to thinking about my past and my future.

PAST

It had been a long twenty-one years that got me to where I am today. Life had gotten me a lot of high and low moments, that were all very memorable and insightful. What do I get out of it? Experience.

I was born on the ninth of March in the year 1991. I've heard stories of what happened during my birthday, the most memorable being the eruption of Mt. Pinatubo in the Philippines. The world had experienced global cooling during my arrival. Otherwise, memories from my childhood seem like such blurs to me as I don't know what to make out of them or where to pick them up. However, I've heard of certain stories that make me who I am. I won't get into those stories. Instead I will start from my current context.

In the year 1997, I remembered stepping into unfamiliar territory: Ateneo. I never knew what to expect. I was six years old at the time; it was so long ago, I don't even remember what I was thinking anymore. However, I knew that I did not want to leave my dad's side, ironically. It was the first day of class, and I didn't know how to feel, how to act, what to do, what to think. I was assigned class number twenty-five.

Fast forward to the year 2005. I was thirteen years old, wearing a barong. I had a pin on the collar, standing straight, singing the Ateneo Alma Mater. It was a very eventful, memorable, significant time in our lives. I had cried knowing that somehow, I was seeing the last of some of them (my grade school classmates and batchmates.)

2006. I was crying my heart out as my best friend, whom I had loved so much was preparing to leave. I was begging him to stay; but I knew I was helpless. I was at the mercy of his parents and mine. At first year high school, I did not have the capacity to offer him a place to stay. I was left alone, as when he left, our barkada drifted apart somehow. Kevin was put into another section, Ian Agustin was always studying (honors class.)

2007. I was only a junior in high school when she passed. This had been the first loss, and I had to be strong. My dad was in a rough time. Lola Mameng had passed away. She was my father's caretaker since when he was one year old; she had been mine, too. Growing up, I always loved her. She was selfless, sometimes, a little annoying the way she always hung around, but nonetheless, she was family. Reserved in our hearts, surely, she had a special place.

2009. Graduating high school, I was always the sentimental and emotional type. Having been through amazing experiences in three years with the K-Boys of '09, I was attached to a lot of them, and it was hard seeing them go. Probably a repeat of 2006, adding the experience of 2007, I had now known what it was like to lose people, and I was afraid of not seeing my high school barkada around so much anymore. People have been coming and going; it's sometimes a reality of life. However, it is also brought about by choice whether people stay in another's life. 

2010. Again, one of my best friends had passed. No one had seen him since our high school graduation for he had moved to Singapore. Then, out of nowhere, a call came. It was all over Facebook: "RIP Kevin Stoifl." It was a hard goodbye. It was a lonely time, because I knew that we all couldn't be together physically anymore. Ian Velez comes home, once every few year, and when he does, I make it a point to see him. Ian Agustin is just over in UP. I haven't seen him in a while. 

PRESENT

10.20.2012 

A couple of days ago, I was sitting on the couch in my friend's house while looking at a reflection of myself in one of their glass cabinets. It had been a tiring day and we had just come from the gym and then one game of basketball, as I got to thinking about my past and my future.

I have but one semester left in my academic life (unless I take my masters in the future). I have until February to live and enjoy college for what it is; but right now, I feel lost.

There are people in my life that I don't know when I can count on. There are people in my life that I don't know when I can trust, or when I know I will be disappointed. I know for a fact that I have started to lose trust in some, but there are some that I will never. 

For the sake of it all, let us hide them under the names my friend (M.B.) and I call them at this point.

Boy is the person that surprised me the most. He seemed like such a nice guy, and I didn't know that he was capable of pulling off what he did. While he sees the good in people, sometimes, you have to look past the good and see what's really happening. 

Girl is the person I can now honestly say I hate. Nothing personal (though, ironically, hate is personal), but the moment I met her, my friends, though I've known long, though I just met and became friends with, have been getting hurt, lied to and lied about. One by one. I never had trust issues. I can trust certain people with my life. As of this moment, she's one I can't: she and her friends. Life has been a series of fucked-up since I met them all. I have deduced and decided that she is crazy, she's a bitch. I don't think I will trust her again.

However, there are some that are insanely sane. I choose to hang out with those guys. Those guys, I know I can trust, and won't hurt anyone that matters to me...

FUTURE

In twenty-five years... I don't know what I'll be doing...

Recipient

Speaking with Geeroh about Blue Roast made me think of my college life. Particularly, who will I give my rose to?

It's not as if I have options... the people that have changed my life the most have either graduated, or are far from graduating. It's not like I can bring back old options... But let us contemplate on each one...

1. First-year girl...
I know who this is... Do you? Well, it doesn't matter since I'm not putting any names here. Just ask me about this, if you dare do so. For the first half of AdMU-LS life, she was the best friend I could run to. I used to talk to her about anything. Everything changed soon after. And conflict with asungot might have contributed to that change. I don't entirely blame her... girls stick together. Would it hurt to at least hear me out before judging me and sending my life into a downward spiral?

2. Anyone in my first block...
There are thirty-eight others here... My relationships with these guys have been strange. There are some I get along with, some, I don't. Most, I don't, actually... I have been called names behind my back. I have my sources. I know that I am disliked, and it doesn't matter to me. I don't give a fuck whether they love me or not. Talking about block unity back in first year. WHAT BULLSHIT! What happened to unity? What part of unity is leaving someone out? What happened to me? I never felt like I was a part of that damned block unity we were talking so much about. I never felt it.

3. My second block...
This is a no-brainer... I'm not entirely close with these people. There are some, however, who I know I can grow to love... Mara, perhaps. Pat... maybe. Paoi and the others are pretty great guys too, however... We're not the best of friends. Too bad I didn't get to know them so much. Being with them might have changed my spiraling life a little bit better. What if I had just gotten to know them a little bit more? Would my life be different.... Maybe it would turn out significantly different.

4. My third block...
Easily a "no" as well. See number 1. The core of these guys that were really my friends took her side. I know we're all okay, but the judging has begun... and I am sick and tired of the innocent and omnipotent acts the front. If they knew who I was, what my history before college was, they would stop giving me their damn bullshit. I know they don't like me. I know that. I know that perhaps, if they knew anything at all about me, we wouldn't have even begun to be friends.

5. My neighbor...
No names yet again... He's a sort of neighbor. It would be gay to give the rose to a guy... But other than that, he tried to keep me from doing something I love... that did it. Maybe, I've been patient too long, maybe I just got tired of his condescending attitude at times. I'm tired of his disrespect towards my in-school brothers and sisters. Reciprocity of help and care is all we show for each other, but it's never been anything else. The bond feels like it is hung by tape, and will fall soon. But I hope it won't. Seems feasible.

6. Nica?
Changed me? Check. For the better? I wish I could say that. Everything I did not want to become, I became with her, and my personality has changed so much that I barely even know myself anymore. I am not the guy who I wanted to be, but I'm happy being me. So, what's wrong? Where's the me I used to know? What happened to the me I wanted to be? There's such a little part left, and I feel like this blood-sucking bitch took him away from me. So, I guess not...

7. The Frozen Bananas Family
In 2011, I became a TnT, a group of hyper bastards that run, jump and dance around the covered courts to welcome the freshmen each year. This is where (number 6) and I met. This family, though not being the reason, was when my life had changed a whole lot. I had met an amazing 100++ individuals, willing to be a family for a reason. Though I never really got along with everyone, I could say that I loved being a part of the family, though I don't share the same sentiments with each person. Of course, as individuals, you have to express a different liking for each of them. You can't like each one of them for the same reasons, and it's improbable to like one person as much as the other. Arjo had been a great friend in this introduction to the family. Geeroh, all the more. Jayvee, Drew, Jeje, and all the others I will not mention anymore for the sake of shortening the post have all been brothers and sisters to me. But then I only have one rose, and I can't give one to one hundred plus.

8. The First Batch of Babies
It has been more than one year since I left them. They have survived on their own for so long... and I'm a proud father of three (TnT terminologies). I am really proud of who they have become. They have been the better halves of me, and it's an amazing experience to TnT alongside that lot. I hope that one John Oliver joins their ranks next year. I will be a proud father of four by then. I wish to see them when I come back to visit, once I have moved on from that life.

9. The Second Bath of Babies
I don't want to admit this to anyone, but in general, I like this batch more. I have learned not to expect from promises, however, I have hope. So far, SKR, Jasmine, Hanna D., and Gabriel have all said they would be TnT's plus, two SecMobs in Thomas and Wayne, as I have heard. I hope for more, but they will never get to experience the OrSems I did for no OrSem is the same. They won't be able to handle a block like the block they showed me they could be. It makes me proud to see the only legacy that I have left for them. I have no concrete gift for them, nothing they could keep to remember me by. In the future, I will be just a fragment of their freshman memory. I won't be in existence to them anymore. In the future, they will be on their own. In the future, as much as I don't want to think about it, they won't be a block. They will be their own individuals, striving for their individual futures. The legacy that Juancho, Erika, Asia and myself will be nothing but memories in their hearts and in their minds. But we did our best, let's hope that the best was good enough.

I don't have so many options, but I have months to decide. I don't have so much time to think because of all the bullshit schoolwork. Then again, I might run into someone worth giving it to, or I may have missed someone. But thinking about this made me realize that I have, but is she the right one? I've always been running to her for a lot of the things in life. I could depend on her to be a friend, to be a bro, a sis, to be a part of a bigger family; to be a bigger part of my life. Maybe the recipient is who I expect it to be. The recipient could not be on the list. Maybe I'm intentionally forgetting to put her for the surprise, or maybe I want one of the ten options to be the one (see above). But there are only nine now, there's room for maybe, one more.

To Janine: A Sad Story

Let's get creative with this one. I'll tell you what happened in the form of a short story.

So, it was Valentine's day, 2012. As usual, Justin was excited to make things happen. As he performed the usual routine of bringing his sister school, he bought three flowers for three special friends, Mon, Nica and RJ. He got the school, awaited all his classes to end and immediately retrieved the flowers and rushed to where special friend number one was.
As all of his friends would have expected, it was Nica. With her was RJ. Justin was ready to give the flowers, and so he did. Nica was waiting for him, and RJ was busy writing all the Valentine's letters she was about to give. As RJ was finishing that, Justin stepped out with Nica by his side. Justin was eager to ask Nica out on Friday, despite the work they were going to do.

So he asked her out. Thinking that their relationship was supposed to at least guarantee that she'd be at least willing to share whatever surprise Justin and his friends have planned.

"Please, I could kind of use the money," Nica said.

"But this is something special," Justin had replied. "It would mean so much to me if I could share this moment with you."

Nica replied, "please, I could use the money. Please please please please..."

Nica kept going on and on about it. And even after Justin's explanation, she wouldn't listen.

Eventually, it came to the point where it had just hurt more than the rejection. Nica stopped saying please, and said, "ditcher," instead. It had hurt Justin deeply, until all the hurt turned into anger.

"I'll be right back," Justin said as he got his last rose, and stormed out.

Justin met up with his dear friend, Mon near the Sec-B staircase, where he gave the rose to her, and asked her out for Friday instead. Mon was unsure and had informed Justin of her case.

After they had bid each other farewell, Justin was headed back to retrieve his stuff from where he once was. He got a text from Nica, asking him to buy bluebooks for her class. Already past the store, he went back to obtain the items needed.

He went back gave the books, grabbed his bag, and then left almost immediately. Justin went to other friends hanging around nearby. It was killing him how Nica wouldn't accept. It broke his heart.

Only days later, Justin was test-flying the sky lanterns they had bought for the surprise, and it pained him to watch the lanterns fly away with his buddy, Miguel. He won't show it, but he was already crying on the inside. When he and Miguel ran out of things to do, Justin got in his car and drove back home in tears. He couldn't really sleep and was unsettled for quite a number of days.

Finally, the day had come for the actual surprise. Justin was there alone, with his couple-buddies, Miguel, Alexa, Michaela and Joma. He was watching the lanterns fly away, disheartened that the unreachable lanterns, instead of being an offering of a great relationship to the heavens, symbolized the unreachable love he could never find with the girl he thought he loved so much.

The end.

PS. I hope you liked it. Actually, no, I don't... It's never nice to like a sad story, especially if it's a true story.

PPS. It's a very sad ending to something I thought would be great. I'm through with heartbreak, and it's really killing me deep inside to find people I can love, but would not return the love I give up so easily.

Being in-love is easy for me. It's not easy to get back up, but taking the fall for someone else comes naturally. I just want someone to take the fall for me, too. But no one's willing to... Right now, I really don't want to care about anyone except myself, but no matter how much I want that, it's not natural for me. Looks like 2012 is not at all better than 2011. It's turning out even worse, and life isn't a climb; it's a cliff, nowhere else to go but down. Sad, isn't it?

Feeling Needed

I don't know if I do have the right to get mad or anything, but this girl has been calling favors out from me. And yes, I do love her, so I try my best to do what she asks. If I can, then I will, if I can't, I'll try to help. It's been taking up a lot of time and sacrifice, but all of it's been killing me to the point that I feel like I'm just a need in her life.

Yes, I must admit that it feels good to feel needed at times, it makes me feel as if I'm important to someone, but it's nowhere near the feeling of being wanted and loved. And this girl makes me feel like I'm needed, but not in the good way. I feel like an expendable asset, and she needs me only to support her needs. That's not the way this should work. With certain groups, I feel needed and wanted. And I really want to feel loved. Not even by the gifts, or anything, I just want her to know that I'm there, and at least show me that she acknowledges me...... Here's to what I hope would be the last time she'll break my heart. Because of a stupid surprise that was planned for the girls, one thing that would have made me really happy to have experienced with her, then again... Now, after all the bullshit she's shown me... She's the last person I'd want to experience it with now.

Yes, that's her in the photo... During our "up" times. I know this will take time to get over, but... whatever happens should be for my happiness now. It's my turn to be selfish.

Forever (not quite) Alone (not quite).

So, it makes me kind of jealous that Junie has someone like Jellie to throw a surprise party for him, when the girl I like doesn't even notice me, and doesn't make as much effort as I give her.

It's sad to think about it, and since everyone around me is already starting to form a couple, I'm kind of left behind. What do I do now? I want her to do the same for me, she told me that she likes me (yes, that way). I don't feel it, though. What just happened to us? What happened to that moment last week? It's something worth remembering in my mind, because she was someone I really liked, and I really thought she was different from everyone else, but I guess, I don't know what to believe anymore. In any case, she could be a really great girl, if only she'd changed a little bit. There's just something about her. I know she's not all that to anyone else, but she's more than that to me. I guess I just need a little bit of faith, trust in her. What do I do when I can no more? I have my friends, but I still feel so alone. I just wish something would happen, and I have to do something about it.