Happy New Year

Now that I am in the dark, it is safe for me to say a lot. I won’t name names, just in case.

There was nothing else for me to be happy about with everything the way things turned out by the middle of the year 2011. Everything that I knew I should have been happy about turned out terribly wrong. It really is that hard to give everything for someone who wouldn’t return the favor. It has happened so many times, but I never seem to learn from it. I had become closer to the friends I have now, mostly in the KD groups, we had something to do, I had a part in it. I feel important, special and wanted there. That’s really the only thing I ever wanted, to feel loved. Something I rarely felt at all last year, especially with everything that has happened. I started to stop trusting certain people. I started not to care, I started becoming someone that I wasn’t (but then again, I think I was).

It all started with being in love, getting my hopes up. Her actions spoke for themselves. The actions were really no one could look over. It was entirely different from what she had said to begin with. Then, suddenly, one day, it was all gone. Everything we had just disappeared. Then, she ends up going back to normal, but suddenly in the arms of another. Did I really mean absolutely nothing to her? Or was she just too damn selfish to care about how I felt, and only care about how everything benefited her? I don’t really care now.

Then came along the second of all people who can get my hopes up; except, this time, it was a whole lot worse. This time, she had actually admitted that she had feelings for me. And she knew what happened. What happened with us, though? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I’m not even sure if we’re still friends after all we’ve been through. Talk about being led on… It’s much worse, but it wasn’t selfish. She was just confused, and it was crazy.

Third thing is the bitch, who I am convinced, ruined my already horrible life. I am certain that she is, indeed, selfish. She is a terrible liar, who manipulates people so she could get what she wants. But she has brought everyone else together against her. It’s been crazy, and I kind of feel like she did what she did in order to ruin another person’s image in my head (or to ruin my image in another person’s head). Either way, I don’t really think that she was ever my friend. Maybe, she was just passing it off to get someone on her side, perhaps to feel sorry for her when everyone would start to turn their backs on her. Too bad, I did, too.

These three people have nothing in common (except for the fact, that somehow, they managed to make 2011 a little bit more horrible). This started the decline, and I’m starting to feel a whole lot worse than how I ended in 2010. And 2010, was a whole lot better, even if it wasn’t spectacular.

But I have my friends, I have two couples, who I know would accept me for who and what I am. Along with a few other people, people who I consider like my brothers and sisters now.

Special

Special... Let us define:

SPECIAL:

1. distinct or particular in kind; unique

2. intended for a specific function, purpose or occasion

3. not ordinary or usual

4. exceptional

5. particularly valued

Particularly valued. I always set aside places for the best of things: like some folder in my computer for photos I love, files I always love to replay and play. I have a space in my room where all my most-used stuff are, like my basketball and my guitars, a small space under my bed where my shoes go. I always have space in my schedules for the people I love to hang out with. And I have a space in my heart for the people I love.

Who are these people anyway? These people are many: different people from different places, who have come into my life at different times. They hold their values, maybe different, but I try to make it equal, but you can't help holding other people closer than others. You can't help liking one person more. And especially in certain cases, you can't really help but outgrow some people; especially if these people had been involved in something wrong with you.

I don't want to get into details. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, of losses, of pain. I've had my fair share of confusion, of trial. I've had a fit of anger that is pretty hard to get over. It's getting better now. I don't need all the drama. I've a special place for all of that, it's called the past.

Right now, in the present, I've only limited space for things I really value. Well... I don't include crushes here, it would be impossible to rank them without bias, and you wouldn't believe me if I didn't, but these are the PEOPLE (people first) that I hold dear to me. Nica and Jayvee, without them, my TNT experience would be a bummer, perhaps.

Nica and Jayvee would probably be part of the barkada I wish I had long ago when I was younger. With them, nothing seems to be as heavy and as stressful. I'd probably be stuck in a heap of drama and loneliness if it weren't for these guys. I'm so thankful to God to have brought great friends like these into my life. No one's perfect, but some people come close, and there are things as the PERFECT FRIENDS.

The TNT's basically are all in there for me. I just needed to special mention two people. I would mention others, but I decided just now, about a hundred times that I will mention the other special TNT's in other posts, because this post is especially for them. :)

This is... What is This?

I created this blog, not necessarily for TNT-related posts only. This blog was meant for anything that I needed to hide from the R4 girls.

I just realized something... not today... sometime ago, but my realization was made deeper today...

For everything with regards to the internals of their group, they can not be trusted with secrets. Secrets spread among them. I used to love all of them with all my heart that I did not want to accept anyone but any of them as "the one" for me. Now that the TNT's have opened my eyes to a whole new family outside R4 and QQ1, I'm no longer bound by the thoughts and beliefs I once had.

I now realize that life is TOO MUCH drama with all the R4 girls. I only used to KNOW J***** C*******. I only used to like her. Life was much, much simpler then. Then I knew N****, C****, G*****, D****** and S****. C found out that I like N, then soon enough, everyone else knew. I should've known then that, that was their biggest flaw.

Now, my drama's getting more intense. N used to be my best friend, and where is she now? Probably off sharing her life with some other new friends. What happened? I know my part. I don't know hers. She doesn't want to talk about it. I wonder why?

I needed someone to talk to about this, I talked to J and C. So, if I talked to them, HOW THE FUCK did D find out? Obviously, logic points us to only one answer: they squealed. I need someone to shout to, so I shout into thin air, into an imaginary body that I can pretend hears me. It helps me relieve any untoward feelings I have against anyone. I was screaming in the car on the ride home.

It's a good thing I have this outlet for myself. I might go crazy not being to secretly share with the world how I really feel. THIS IS... What is this? This is my personal... well... something like a gemstone. It's worth a lot of my life, but I don't think anyone will find it so easily.

Preparty

Post-preparty. This blog is delayed so much, I know.

It was such a WILD night. It was a story about basketball, swimming, condoms, music, but most importantly, the night was about our family.

July 2, 2011, 12pm.

The moment Marketing101 ended, I was so eager to leave. Paasa Bitch was all set to leave, I had no idea where she went, and that ended the story of a horrible week. However, I was in a party mood and wasn't going to allow that to get to me, not when I was with my family.

I spent most of that afternoon with Arjo and Nica. We went out to Eastwood, had lunch in Fazoli's, picked on the breadsticks, danced along with the people at Johnny Rockets'. It's always something epic when I'm out with those people.

Later on, we picked up the box-loads of liquor, and crammed six people into my tiny car: Anina, Chan, Gabby, and Mark. John was supposed to tag along, but he woke up late(sayang!).

Then, the pre-party experience. It was a night filled with everything, just the right amount of drama(myself and Nica), happiness(I'm sure everyone), somewhat confusion(Hello Boo Gabunada), and a sense of home away from home(Frozen Bananas). It was something I just needed after the week of heartbreak and loneliness that I had gone through.

That's just the basic... Let's try to list the top 10 moments of the pre-party:

10. Dunk Contest

-On Nica's basketball hoop... It could be lowered, making dunking possible. EPIC

9. Basketball game (with Sam and Den)

-Justin terrorizing Sam and Den by playing basketball shirtless. EPIC

8. Sound Trip

-Everyone was singing on the karaoke machine, and playing on the guitar and piano. Songs. EPIC

7. Egyptian Pokpok

-Card game. Derivative of Slap Jack. EPIC

6. The Condom Sleep Over

-Matt, Mela , Pat all woke up with condoms on their bodies. EPIC

5. Boner Bubbles

-Boner bubbles, b-b-boner bubbles. Miki. EPIC

4. Kev Mayuga's dunk

-Kev Mayuga missed a dunk, ON A REGULATION HEIGHT HOOP. It missed, but still EPIC.

3. The Flying TNT's (into the pool)

-Adi and the others were throwing people into the swimming pool. EPIC

2. Boo

-Drunk off his ass. EPIC FUNNY.

1. Other Mark's body shot

-Self-explanatory. EPIC.

Then, of course, there were the highs, there are also the lows. I wouldn't know everything, despite the gossip that I am:
Nica's issue with Drew. //WRIST

Tim apologizing to me. Straight face. WTF!

Shana's and my Flat tires. DAMN.

T.N.T.

Tunay na Tao

Tigang na Tigang

Tago nang Tago

Talks 'n Tours

Sa maraming kahulugan ng TNT, maraming maaaring maging bagay sa akin. Ngunit, sa pagsusulat nito, kailangan ko munang magTNT, tago nang tago.

Sino'ng tinataguan ko? Marami. Marami sa mga kaibigan kong hindi makauunawa sa kalagayan ko. Mga kaibigan kong unti-unti nang lumalayo't pinalalayas ako sa pagsasamang nabubuo nila. Tulad ng nag-iisang piraso ng hotdog na natitira sa tuwing almusal sa umaga. Tulad ng isang guro na walang gustong kumuha kapag enlistment sa Ateneo. Lilimutin na lamang, hangga't sa wala nang ibang magagawa kundi kunin na.

Ang hindi matiis na gutom ay magdudulot sa paglamon ng nag-iisang hotdog natitira sa pinggan. Ang malas na random number sa Ateneo, ay magbubunga ng pangit na iskedyul at mga propesor, mga propesor na dapat lang ay iwasan. Ang pagbuo ng samahan ng mga taong minamahal mo, at hindi ka nagsasama, saan bubunga?

Silang lahat, ang mga kaibigan kong nag-ampon sa akin sa kanilang grupo, sila ang minahal ko nang lubos, lahat nama'y ginawa/handa kong gawin para sa kanila. Ngunit, hanggang sa ngayo'y minsan, hindi ko pa rin lubos na nararamdaman na kaya nilang tanggapin ang kalokohang gagawin ko sa buhay.

Magmula sa pagpasok nila sa buhay ko, parang wala man lang magandang nangyari hanggang sa makilala ko ang pamilyang kinabubuhayan ko sa ngayon, ang pamilyang TNT. Mahigit isang daang tao, sa pagkakilala ko sa kanila matapos ang tatlong araw ng pag-eensayo at tatlo pang araw ng Ateneo OrSem, natanggap na namin lahat ang isa't isa. Bakit ganun? Totoo nga ba itong pamilyang natagpuan ko?

Totoo nga, kasi nangyari sa akin. Sa uulitin kong pagsalaysay nitong k'wento ng buhay kong ito, mahalaga parati ang mga kaibigan ko, lalo na't ang nalalayo sa akin, ngunit higit sa lahat na mahalaga ang pamilyang nagtatanggap sa akin, sa kasamaan, sa kabutihan, sa kagaguhan, sa kahit ano. Sino nga ba ang tatanggap sa akin? Sino pa ba? Ang mga Tunay Na Taong bahagi ng aking pamilya. Alam kong ang drama ng kinalalabasan, ngunit hindi na nadadaan sa iyak ang nararamdaman ko, kasi kung hindi kong kayang aminin na mayroong mastatanggap sa akin kaysa sa iba, baka hindi ko naman matanggap ang sarili ko. Kailangan ko nang tanggapin na masmamahalin ako ng iba kaysa sa iba, at ang karapat-dapat na makakukuha ng pagmamahal ko ay ang mga taong masmagmamahal sa akin.