It's been more than four years already...
Who would have thought that a quiet little Alexa would be this much of a good friend to me? But I never really knew what to expect then... Time had its own way of working its own magic upon so many lives...
You had given me a blessing of being a friend. It's hard for me to express these things in words, but you know that I am grateful that I can tell you my stories, that I can run to you with problems, and you'd help me sort things out.
Thank you for being such a great friend.
You're twenty as of today, and so, I wish you a very happy birthday!
P.S. Hold on for just a little bit. Pretty soon, we'll be drinking old cheap bottles of wine... Sit, talking, up all night... Saying things we haven't for a while... :) We'll have you back here, soon. :)
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Through Joys and Tears
"Through joys and tears, through the laughing years, we sing our battle song."
Sixteen years ago...
It was June in the year 1997. He had taken one big step into what seemed a big black gate which was labelled "Prep Area." He never wanted to leave the side of his father who had accompanied a late student (and son) to his first class in Ateneo.
Lerma, Justin Nicolas A. P-7 (Mapagmahal). Class number 25. Ateneo de Manila Grade School.
He says he remembers crying, but he never knew what to feel, just that he was scared. He was scared of what might happen, and at the time, he was only thinking, in a six-year-old brain, that he was too shy to make friends, he wanted to stay home and play on his computer, or draw on pieces of bond paper on his father's office with pencils and crayons. And from the first day of school, he didn't really remember anything else.
Eight years later...
In March, 2005, he was standing with hundreds of other people on the blue-colored floor of the Blue Eagle Gym. With a blue handkerchief in his pocket and a pin on the collar of his shirt, he knew he was prepared. He had to sing, and though he never could, it was a moment he was willing to sing for, alongside the hundreds of others who were willing to sing along. Ateneo Grade School, Batch 50. It was a special graduation for the entire batch, and a milestone for Ateneo Grade School.
June, 2005, he was sick. Unsure if it was because of fright (again) or just really a virus. He remembers sitting in the front of the small Dulaang Sibol. He remembers a pounding in his head every time the bass drum was hit right in front of him. He remembers the conyo song: "shit. conyo. pare. wow. ang labo naman." He remembers getting picked up early, and not attending class for the rest of the week. He remembers the 1-I classroom on his first day, bringing just a notebook and a pen, having left the notebook in the classroom before leaving for home.
Four years later...
March, 2009. He was crying. He'd been hearing for four years that Ateneo High School was where you'd spend the best four years of your life. At the time, the statement was correct for him. He had been living for 18 years already, and without too much experience. Years 15-18 may have been the best at the time. He had to say goodbye to a family he's grown into. He has to say goodbye to a lot.
June, 2009. The official beginning of classes were delayed, but he was walking around campus, trying to see things for the first time, trying to understand where he needed to go, and where he needed to be. He was trying to give himself a tour of where his next home would be. He was meeting people who could be (or not. but she was.) special for the coming years in his life.
Four years later...
March 2013. He was scared of not being able to finish, failing to accomplish things he needed to do and making the cut. Eventually, he did, and the memories all suddenly came back, from that day in a garden where, as he remembers, a pair of brightly-colored Chuck Taylors hung a few inches off the ground. He remembers the beautiful smile of a girl who he sat across in Chemistry Lab. He remembers that one deciding day, where a pair of Chuck Taylors entered a second floor room in one of the buildings (Berchmans 209), and he knew then that, that pair of sneakers would haunt him for the next couple of years.
He remembers b**** professors that ended up being loved for bringing a whole bunch of people so much closer together. He remembers saying goodbye early to one his mentors. He remembers almost failing a course in his freshman year, but being saved by the final exam. He remembers missing a concert by a band he really loved, on his birthday, to take a make-up exam because he was applying for scholarship during the actual date. He remembers taking that class picture, with the camera resting on a stack of books and a laptop sleeve for the camera to be high enough to capture everyone.
He remembers running from the weights gym to class because there was no time to fix himself up. He remembers sitting beside his clique in most of his major classes. He remembers crying to a status message that broke his heart. He remembers filing for a change in concentration, going through all the processes of writing a letter and an interview. He remembers seeing the change in his student information and getting congratulated by friends as he stepped up closer. He remembers meeting someone special (again) and ending up in a disagreement with someone else, but special as well.
He remembers being part of a small in-school family that felt like home for a couple of weeks a year. He remembers the confession, and his first kiss. He remembers, not being able to take it any more seriously than he did because while he wanted her, he knew that she was something else. He remembers putting a lot of effort into a surprise that could have changed a lot, but instead, getting shot down (and this happened more than once). He remembers that sometimes, he would go out of his way to help someone or just see them smile. He remembers that professor that changed his life. He remembers the group mates he never trusted after an incident; he remembers the people that he always will.
He remembers a final year to make things right. He remembers that he was elected to an org office, without him knowing it. He remembers being part of another family that is around the whole year round. He remembers what it feels like to represent your Alma Mater. He remembers looking like a fool around school just because it's fun. He remembers reconnecting with friends, reconnecting with family. He remembers the nights when they'd just go out with a tank of gas, and some coin in a purse, just to eat, drink, chill. He remembers that the truth had gotten out, and that the truth was never fair. He remembers making promises that he knew for a fact he would keep. He remembers waiting around for one night to find out if a rose was worth it to give.
He remembers the lights, his last Song for Mary. He remembers camera flash, a blank, rolled-up piece of US Legal paper. He remembers hearing, "congratulations," and saying, "thank you, Father." He remembers taking a bow, walking back to his seat, starting to goff around with his seat mates and fooling around with a couple of friends. And just like that, everything that used to be in the present turned into memories. And all those memories will be immortalized in a blue tube and a piece of paper, where his name will be forever written. It will forever be immortalized in his heart and in his mind...
On March, 2013.
Lerma, Justin Nicolas Asuncion. Bachelor of Science in Management, Major in Communications Technology Management. ID No. 092099. John Gokongwei School of Management, Ateneo de Manila University.
"Down from the hill, down to the world go I... Remembering still, how the bright Blue Eagles fly."
Sixteen years ago...
It was June in the year 1997. He had taken one big step into what seemed a big black gate which was labelled "Prep Area." He never wanted to leave the side of his father who had accompanied a late student (and son) to his first class in Ateneo.
Lerma, Justin Nicolas A. P-7 (Mapagmahal). Class number 25. Ateneo de Manila Grade School.
He says he remembers crying, but he never knew what to feel, just that he was scared. He was scared of what might happen, and at the time, he was only thinking, in a six-year-old brain, that he was too shy to make friends, he wanted to stay home and play on his computer, or draw on pieces of bond paper on his father's office with pencils and crayons. And from the first day of school, he didn't really remember anything else.
Eight years later...
In March, 2005, he was standing with hundreds of other people on the blue-colored floor of the Blue Eagle Gym. With a blue handkerchief in his pocket and a pin on the collar of his shirt, he knew he was prepared. He had to sing, and though he never could, it was a moment he was willing to sing for, alongside the hundreds of others who were willing to sing along. Ateneo Grade School, Batch 50. It was a special graduation for the entire batch, and a milestone for Ateneo Grade School.
June, 2005, he was sick. Unsure if it was because of fright (again) or just really a virus. He remembers sitting in the front of the small Dulaang Sibol. He remembers a pounding in his head every time the bass drum was hit right in front of him. He remembers the conyo song: "shit. conyo. pare. wow. ang labo naman." He remembers getting picked up early, and not attending class for the rest of the week. He remembers the 1-I classroom on his first day, bringing just a notebook and a pen, having left the notebook in the classroom before leaving for home.
Four years later...
March, 2009. He was crying. He'd been hearing for four years that Ateneo High School was where you'd spend the best four years of your life. At the time, the statement was correct for him. He had been living for 18 years already, and without too much experience. Years 15-18 may have been the best at the time. He had to say goodbye to a family he's grown into. He has to say goodbye to a lot.
June, 2009. The official beginning of classes were delayed, but he was walking around campus, trying to see things for the first time, trying to understand where he needed to go, and where he needed to be. He was trying to give himself a tour of where his next home would be. He was meeting people who could be (or not. but she was.) special for the coming years in his life.
Four years later...
March 2013. He was scared of not being able to finish, failing to accomplish things he needed to do and making the cut. Eventually, he did, and the memories all suddenly came back, from that day in a garden where, as he remembers, a pair of brightly-colored Chuck Taylors hung a few inches off the ground. He remembers the beautiful smile of a girl who he sat across in Chemistry Lab. He remembers that one deciding day, where a pair of Chuck Taylors entered a second floor room in one of the buildings (Berchmans 209), and he knew then that, that pair of sneakers would haunt him for the next couple of years.
He remembers b**** professors that ended up being loved for bringing a whole bunch of people so much closer together. He remembers saying goodbye early to one his mentors. He remembers almost failing a course in his freshman year, but being saved by the final exam. He remembers missing a concert by a band he really loved, on his birthday, to take a make-up exam because he was applying for scholarship during the actual date. He remembers taking that class picture, with the camera resting on a stack of books and a laptop sleeve for the camera to be high enough to capture everyone.
He remembers running from the weights gym to class because there was no time to fix himself up. He remembers sitting beside his clique in most of his major classes. He remembers crying to a status message that broke his heart. He remembers filing for a change in concentration, going through all the processes of writing a letter and an interview. He remembers seeing the change in his student information and getting congratulated by friends as he stepped up closer. He remembers meeting someone special (again) and ending up in a disagreement with someone else, but special as well.
He remembers being part of a small in-school family that felt like home for a couple of weeks a year. He remembers the confession, and his first kiss. He remembers, not being able to take it any more seriously than he did because while he wanted her, he knew that she was something else. He remembers putting a lot of effort into a surprise that could have changed a lot, but instead, getting shot down (and this happened more than once). He remembers that sometimes, he would go out of his way to help someone or just see them smile. He remembers that professor that changed his life. He remembers the group mates he never trusted after an incident; he remembers the people that he always will.
He remembers a final year to make things right. He remembers that he was elected to an org office, without him knowing it. He remembers being part of another family that is around the whole year round. He remembers what it feels like to represent your Alma Mater. He remembers looking like a fool around school just because it's fun. He remembers reconnecting with friends, reconnecting with family. He remembers the nights when they'd just go out with a tank of gas, and some coin in a purse, just to eat, drink, chill. He remembers that the truth had gotten out, and that the truth was never fair. He remembers making promises that he knew for a fact he would keep. He remembers waiting around for one night to find out if a rose was worth it to give.
He remembers the lights, his last Song for Mary. He remembers camera flash, a blank, rolled-up piece of US Legal paper. He remembers hearing, "congratulations," and saying, "thank you, Father." He remembers taking a bow, walking back to his seat, starting to goff around with his seat mates and fooling around with a couple of friends. And just like that, everything that used to be in the present turned into memories. And all those memories will be immortalized in a blue tube and a piece of paper, where his name will be forever written. It will forever be immortalized in his heart and in his mind...
On March, 2013.
Lerma, Justin Nicolas Asuncion. Bachelor of Science in Management, Major in Communications Technology Management. ID No. 092099. John Gokongwei School of Management, Ateneo de Manila University.
"Down from the hill, down to the world go I... Remembering still, how the bright Blue Eagles fly."
Sunday, February 17, 2013
The First Love
February 18, 2013.
Dear Janine,
It's been a long time since September 1, 2009. Do you remember that date? Do you remember that day?
I'm not sure if you do, but I will never forget it. It just so happened that I never forgot how I felt that day. It just so happens that I realized the other night that I never will. I even remember the exact words I spoke to you, "Janine... I like you. Gets?"
That was almost four years ago. Since then, we've had our own ups and downs (whether with each other or not) and so, I want to tell you first, that everything that has happened since then has been some lame excuse for me to fail at everything else I do. I know that a life without you (or at least a life where-in I never tried) is a life I do not want to live. I know that we both went in opposite directions and that you may think we are never going to go anywhere, but I want you to know that I still believe in something...
It may be crazy to believe so, but I do... Just because I'm crazy about you. I don't see any reason for you to even give a thought to this, but at least allow me to get it off my chest. Just so I can say that I've tried... more than once. And if you still feel the same way after four years, then I guess we were never meant to be. But meaning is something you can give. If you mean for something to happen, then, something will.
I was out last Saturday night... I was at a party... I had a couple of drinks, and I was spending my time at a Valentine's party alone. I knew Veron was going to be there, and thinking about my feeling for her (and everyone else I knew I liked) gave me a realization I knew was true, a realization that I did not want to accept. On February 14, 2013, I gave Veron a rose, thinking that I really liked her. It was the first Valentine's day that I gave a person a rose out of pure intention that I did like her; or so I thought. On February 15, someone told Veron that I used to have feelings for her, when in fact, I only thought I did.
My realization pointed me to the truth, I only liked so many other girls to try and distract myself from thinking of you, realizing that maybe unconsciously, I was too scared to do anything because you were still around, and when sometimes I feel like the feeling died, it rose from the ashes. Feelings are tricky things to have. Once you have them, truthfully and purely, especially the first time around... they don't go away. Feelings get the better of people a lot of times, but they are also the best things for people to have.
And I know that now, we're almost done, just a couple of weeks to go, many things could happen to us. I could see you again after graduation, but then there is a chance that I won't. I've been making promises to do this for the longest time, but I kept failing because you, yourself said that you don't want to get involved in a relationship until after you graduate. You've held up your end of the bargain. However, if you recall, I made a declaration on the evening of September 1, 2009. I told you that I will try again, and you said, "maybe." While some people say that maybe is not a good sign, the recently optimistic Justin sees a maybe as, "try, you have nothing to lose."
Tradition says that, in Ateneo, the Blue Rose should be given to your first love. And rightfully so, blue roses are improbable due to genetic limitation. I hope I am making myself clear with these intentions. I'm not trying to win you over. I am not trying to ask you out. I'm not trying to say you should be my girlfriend, I am not even asking you to give me a chance. Although, I am hoping you would.
I am just sharing to you my realization, that I love you. I have been for the past few years, and somehow, it didn't take too much to relive how I felt and take me back to the better person that I wanted to be. It's hard to live through these feelings, it's a trouble for me to do this. It took me a while to realize this and this may be too late (or too early). I don't want you to feel any pressure. I know it's too soon because we just finished college, and we haven't even graduated yet... But just so you know... All I have to say is, "I love you."
Dear Janine,
It's been a long time since September 1, 2009. Do you remember that date? Do you remember that day?
I'm not sure if you do, but I will never forget it. It just so happened that I never forgot how I felt that day. It just so happens that I realized the other night that I never will. I even remember the exact words I spoke to you, "Janine... I like you. Gets?"
That was almost four years ago. Since then, we've had our own ups and downs (whether with each other or not) and so, I want to tell you first, that everything that has happened since then has been some lame excuse for me to fail at everything else I do. I know that a life without you (or at least a life where-in I never tried) is a life I do not want to live. I know that we both went in opposite directions and that you may think we are never going to go anywhere, but I want you to know that I still believe in something...
It may be crazy to believe so, but I do... Just because I'm crazy about you. I don't see any reason for you to even give a thought to this, but at least allow me to get it off my chest. Just so I can say that I've tried... more than once. And if you still feel the same way after four years, then I guess we were never meant to be. But meaning is something you can give. If you mean for something to happen, then, something will.
I was out last Saturday night... I was at a party... I had a couple of drinks, and I was spending my time at a Valentine's party alone. I knew Veron was going to be there, and thinking about my feeling for her (and everyone else I knew I liked) gave me a realization I knew was true, a realization that I did not want to accept. On February 14, 2013, I gave Veron a rose, thinking that I really liked her. It was the first Valentine's day that I gave a person a rose out of pure intention that I did like her; or so I thought. On February 15, someone told Veron that I used to have feelings for her, when in fact, I only thought I did.
My realization pointed me to the truth, I only liked so many other girls to try and distract myself from thinking of you, realizing that maybe unconsciously, I was too scared to do anything because you were still around, and when sometimes I feel like the feeling died, it rose from the ashes. Feelings are tricky things to have. Once you have them, truthfully and purely, especially the first time around... they don't go away. Feelings get the better of people a lot of times, but they are also the best things for people to have.
And I know that now, we're almost done, just a couple of weeks to go, many things could happen to us. I could see you again after graduation, but then there is a chance that I won't. I've been making promises to do this for the longest time, but I kept failing because you, yourself said that you don't want to get involved in a relationship until after you graduate. You've held up your end of the bargain. However, if you recall, I made a declaration on the evening of September 1, 2009. I told you that I will try again, and you said, "maybe." While some people say that maybe is not a good sign, the recently optimistic Justin sees a maybe as, "try, you have nothing to lose."
Tradition says that, in Ateneo, the Blue Rose should be given to your first love. And rightfully so, blue roses are improbable due to genetic limitation. I hope I am making myself clear with these intentions. I'm not trying to win you over. I am not trying to ask you out. I'm not trying to say you should be my girlfriend, I am not even asking you to give me a chance. Although, I am hoping you would.
I am just sharing to you my realization, that I love you. I have been for the past few years, and somehow, it didn't take too much to relive how I felt and take me back to the better person that I wanted to be. It's hard to live through these feelings, it's a trouble for me to do this. It took me a while to realize this and this may be too late (or too early). I don't want you to feel any pressure. I know it's too soon because we just finished college, and we haven't even graduated yet... But just so you know... All I have to say is, "I love you."
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Happily Ever After
Once upon a time, I always told myself that I
would only blog about the important things in my life. That if something
spectacular or special happened; I knew that it was certain that I’d write
about it.
There have been quite a number already. There
was the time I turned eighteen years old, back when I was in high school. There
was the time that I had graduated high school. These blogs happened in the year
when I had lost a family; that I knew that this family, would have already gone
our own separate ways, knowing that we weren’t connected by blood. I wrote
about these.
There was the time I discovered that I was in
love for the first time, and my real discovery of what love is. Back then, it
seemed that every moment, every emotion connected with “love” had been
important. I wrote almost every single day.
Then there is today. There is that one thing
that you’d think couldn’t be less special. It was homework; the kind that you
have to work on, to be passed one meeting after. It was really nothing special,
just another day in the office. I initially thought that it would just pass,
like any other homework, and after everything is done, we would just go on and
forget this project, forget what we’ve all been through. I thought that maybe
even after all was said and done, we might even forget each other.
Everything started with a simple activity,
within the classroom on the day that the homework was assigned. I was so
excited to get the activity done, and to move on with the rest of the semester.
We were only going to get grouped together once, once that all seven in our
group would be in the same group for one entire project. I looked at that and
saw that maybe, it was never going to be anything more than that.
The session ended almost immediately,
and we had planned to meet at the conclusion of that week, Friday, when we were
all supposed to be free. It was just another session of brainstorming, just
trying to complete the project. Nonetheless, it was entertaining. It was a
great day, and it was productive. It was just that.
We had assigned what needed to be
done, what materials should each bring, and what we all needed to do over the
weekend. Then online discussions began, ended and everything resumed the
following week.
Monday. This was the day when
everything took a wild turn for the better. The dynamic of the project started
to change completely. It was not just a project anymore, and our group was not
just a group anymore. If there’s anything we learned in our Organizational
Behavior class, it is that groups do not simply stay as groups forever. They
form into teams; but we formed into so much more than that.
I had to leave at 1130 from MVP221,
the venue for most of the project work done. Coming back by 1200, it seemed as
though nothing had really changed. The project was still under construction,
and by 1220, only Mafee and myself remained in that room to take care of the
project and whatever contents were left behind by the rest of the group (Roy,
Fred, Berna, Alex, Matt).
By 1300, I was left alone. I got to
thinking how much this group, Factotum, was enjoying the project and each
other’s company. I got to thinking how much I was enjoying this project and
this group. We all developed into close friends really fast, and clearly one
week was not enough time together.
Like everything, Factotum had to begin
from somewhere. It all started with issues. Roy, Fred, Berna and I were left
behind in the small room where we had begun our project. Everything just became
extremely fun from there. We had started to play around with the people in the
group, pairing up Fred and Mafee, and me and Berna. It was all good, clean fun.
Then Mafee joined us after a while, that’s when the fun began.
Fake issues like these continued to
linger on until the end of the day, around 1930, when we all parted ways to
continue on our project the following day. Right then, I knew that come
Wednesday, our project presentation was definitely going to be one hell of a
ride. Between the seven of us, we knew that we were bound to enjoy our project.
I eventually learned that something
plain, simple and dull can be turned into something very interesting, and a lot
of fun. All it took was the right attitude, and the right people to complement
that. This is something I wouldn’t admit to everyone else, but if it weren’t
for Roy, Fred and Mafee, the only juniors in our group, Factotum wouldn’t be
any fun at all. Factotum became one thing that we did not want to leave behind.
We were all sure that we would be great friends now and in the future. After
all, all great stories end with that. And our story, which began with once upon
a time in Com14, ended with happily ever after.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Twenty-Five
10.19.2012
A couple of days ago, I was sitting on the couch in my friend's house while looking at a reflection of myself in one of their glass cabinets. It had been a tiring day and we had just come from the gym and then one game of basketball, as I got to thinking about my past and my future.
PAST
It had been a long twenty-one years that got me to where I am today. Life had gotten me a lot of high and low moments, that were all very memorable and insightful. What do I get out of it? Experience.
I was born on the ninth of March in the year 1991. I've heard stories of what happened during my birthday, the most memorable being the eruption of Mt. Pinatubo in the Philippines. The world had experienced global cooling during my arrival. Otherwise, memories from my childhood seem like such blurs to me as I don't know what to make out of them or where to pick them up. However, I've heard of certain stories that make me who I am. I won't get into those stories. Instead I will start from my current context.
In the year 1997, I remembered stepping into unfamiliar territory: Ateneo. I never knew what to expect. I was six years old at the time; it was so long ago, I don't even remember what I was thinking anymore. However, I knew that I did not want to leave my dad's side, ironically. It was the first day of class, and I didn't know how to feel, how to act, what to do, what to think. I was assigned class number twenty-five.
Fast forward to the year 2005. I was thirteen years old, wearing a barong. I had a pin on the collar, standing straight, singing the Ateneo Alma Mater. It was a very eventful, memorable, significant time in our lives. I had cried knowing that somehow, I was seeing the last of some of them (my grade school classmates and batchmates.)
2006. I was crying my heart out as my best friend, whom I had loved so much was preparing to leave. I was begging him to stay; but I knew I was helpless. I was at the mercy of his parents and mine. At first year high school, I did not have the capacity to offer him a place to stay. I was left alone, as when he left, our barkada drifted apart somehow. Kevin was put into another section, Ian Agustin was always studying (honors class.)
2007. I was only a junior in high school when she passed. This had been the first loss, and I had to be strong. My dad was in a rough time. Lola Mameng had passed away. She was my father's caretaker since when he was one year old; she had been mine, too. Growing up, I always loved her. She was selfless, sometimes, a little annoying the way she always hung around, but nonetheless, she was family. Reserved in our hearts, surely, she had a special place.
2009. Graduating high school, I was always the sentimental and emotional type. Having been through amazing experiences in three years with the K-Boys of '09, I was attached to a lot of them, and it was hard seeing them go. Probably a repeat of 2006, adding the experience of 2007, I had now known what it was like to lose people, and I was afraid of not seeing my high school barkada around so much anymore. People have been coming and going; it's sometimes a reality of life. However, it is also brought about by choice whether people stay in another's life.
2010. Again, one of my best friends had passed. No one had seen him since our high school graduation for he had moved to Singapore. Then, out of nowhere, a call came. It was all over Facebook: "RIP Kevin Stoifl." It was a hard goodbye. It was a lonely time, because I knew that we all couldn't be together physically anymore. Ian Velez comes home, once every few year, and when he does, I make it a point to see him. Ian Agustin is just over in UP. I haven't seen him in a while.
PRESENT
10.20.2012
A couple of days ago, I was sitting on the couch in my friend's house while looking at a reflection of myself in one of their glass cabinets. It had been a tiring day and we had just come from the gym and then one game of basketball, as I got to thinking about my past and my future.
I have but one semester left in my academic life (unless I take my masters in the future). I have until February to live and enjoy college for what it is; but right now, I feel lost.
There are people in my life that I don't know when I can count on. There are people in my life that I don't know when I can trust, or when I know I will be disappointed. I know for a fact that I have started to lose trust in some, but there are some that I will never.
For the sake of it all, let us hide them under the names my friend (M.B.) and I call them at this point.
Boy is the person that surprised me the most. He seemed like such a nice guy, and I didn't know that he was capable of pulling off what he did. While he sees the good in people, sometimes, you have to look past the good and see what's really happening.
Girl is the person I can now honestly say I hate. Nothing personal (though, ironically, hate is personal), but the moment I met her, my friends, though I've known long, though I just met and became friends with, have been getting hurt, lied to and lied about. One by one. I never had trust issues. I can trust certain people with my life. As of this moment, she's one I can't: she and her friends. Life has been a series of fucked-up since I met them all. I have deduced and decided that she is crazy, she's a bitch. I don't think I will trust her again.
However, there are some that are insanely sane. I choose to hang out with those guys. Those guys, I know I can trust, and won't hurt anyone that matters to me...
FUTURE
In twenty-five years... I don't know what I'll be doing...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Recipient
Speaking with Geeroh about Blue Roast made me think of my college life. Particularly, who will I give my rose to?
It's not as if I have options... the people that have changed my life the most have either graduated, or are far from graduating. It's not like I can bring back old options... But let us contemplate on each one...
1. First-year girl...
I know who this is... Do you? Well, it doesn't matter since I'm not putting any names here. Just ask me about this, if you dare do so. For the first half of AdMU-LS life, she was the best friend I could run to. I used to talk to her about anything. Everything changed soon after. And conflict with asungot might have contributed to that change. I don't entirely blame her... girls stick together. Would it hurt to at least hear me out before judging me and sending my life into a downward spiral?
2. Anyone in my first block...
There are thirty-eight others here... My relationships with these guys have been strange. There are some I get along with, some, I don't. Most, I don't, actually... I have been called names behind my back. I have my sources. I know that I am disliked, and it doesn't matter to me. I don't give a fuck whether they love me or not. Talking about block unity back in first year. WHAT BULLSHIT! What happened to unity? What part of unity is leaving someone out? What happened to me? I never felt like I was a part of that damned block unity we were talking so much about. I never felt it.
3. My second block...
This is a no-brainer... I'm not entirely close with these people. There are some, however, who I know I can grow to love... Mara, perhaps. Pat... maybe. Paoi and the others are pretty great guys too, however... We're not the best of friends. Too bad I didn't get to know them so much. Being with them might have changed my spiraling life a little bit better. What if I had just gotten to know them a little bit more? Would my life be different.... Maybe it would turn out significantly different.
4. My third block...
Easily a "no" as well. See number 1. The core of these guys that were really my friends took her side. I know we're all okay, but the judging has begun... and I am sick and tired of the innocent and omnipotent acts the front. If they knew who I was, what my history before college was, they would stop giving me their damn bullshit. I know they don't like me. I know that. I know that perhaps, if they knew anything at all about me, we wouldn't have even begun to be friends.
5. My neighbor...
No names yet again... He's a sort of neighbor. It would be gay to give the rose to a guy... But other than that, he tried to keep me from doing something I love... that did it. Maybe, I've been patient too long, maybe I just got tired of his condescending attitude at times. I'm tired of his disrespect towards my in-school brothers and sisters. Reciprocity of help and care is all we show for each other, but it's never been anything else. The bond feels like it is hung by tape, and will fall soon. But I hope it won't. Seems feasible.
6. Nica?
Changed me? Check. For the better? I wish I could say that. Everything I did not want to become, I became with her, and my personality has changed so much that I barely even know myself anymore. I am not the guy who I wanted to be, but I'm happy being me. So, what's wrong? Where's the me I used to know? What happened to the me I wanted to be? There's such a little part left, and I feel like this blood-sucking bitch took him away from me. So, I guess not...
7. The Frozen Bananas Family
In 2011, I became a TnT, a group of hyper bastards that run, jump and dance around the covered courts to welcome the freshmen each year. This is where (number 6) and I met. This family, though not being the reason, was when my life had changed a whole lot. I had met an amazing 100++ individuals, willing to be a family for a reason. Though I never really got along with everyone, I could say that I loved being a part of the family, though I don't share the same sentiments with each person. Of course, as individuals, you have to express a different liking for each of them. You can't like each one of them for the same reasons, and it's improbable to like one person as much as the other. Arjo had been a great friend in this introduction to the family. Geeroh, all the more. Jayvee, Drew, Jeje, and all the others I will not mention anymore for the sake of shortening the post have all been brothers and sisters to me. But then I only have one rose, and I can't give one to one hundred plus.
8. The First Batch of Babies
It has been more than one year since I left them. They have survived on their own for so long... and I'm a proud father of three (TnT terminologies). I am really proud of who they have become. They have been the better halves of me, and it's an amazing experience to TnT alongside that lot. I hope that one John Oliver joins their ranks next year. I will be a proud father of four by then. I wish to see them when I come back to visit, once I have moved on from that life.
9. The Second Bath of Babies
I don't want to admit this to anyone, but in general, I like this batch more. I have learned not to expect from promises, however, I have hope. So far, SKR, Jasmine, Hanna D., and Gabriel have all said they would be TnT's plus, two SecMobs in Thomas and Wayne, as I have heard. I hope for more, but they will never get to experience the OrSems I did for no OrSem is the same. They won't be able to handle a block like the block they showed me they could be. It makes me proud to see the only legacy that I have left for them. I have no concrete gift for them, nothing they could keep to remember me by. In the future, I will be just a fragment of their freshman memory. I won't be in existence to them anymore. In the future, they will be on their own. In the future, as much as I don't want to think about it, they won't be a block. They will be their own individuals, striving for their individual futures. The legacy that Juancho, Erika, Asia and myself will be nothing but memories in their hearts and in their minds. But we did our best, let's hope that the best was good enough.
I don't have so many options, but I have months to decide. I don't have so much time to think because of all the bullshit schoolwork. Then again, I might run into someone worth giving it to, or I may have missed someone. But thinking about this made me realize that I have, but is she the right one? I've always been running to her for a lot of the things in life. I could depend on her to be a friend, to be a bro, a sis, to be a part of a bigger family; to be a bigger part of my life. Maybe the recipient is who I expect it to be. The recipient could not be on the list. Maybe I'm intentionally forgetting to put her for the surprise, or maybe I want one of the ten options to be the one (see above). But there are only nine now, there's room for maybe, one more.
It's not as if I have options... the people that have changed my life the most have either graduated, or are far from graduating. It's not like I can bring back old options... But let us contemplate on each one...
1. First-year girl...
I know who this is... Do you? Well, it doesn't matter since I'm not putting any names here. Just ask me about this, if you dare do so. For the first half of AdMU-LS life, she was the best friend I could run to. I used to talk to her about anything. Everything changed soon after. And conflict with asungot might have contributed to that change. I don't entirely blame her... girls stick together. Would it hurt to at least hear me out before judging me and sending my life into a downward spiral?
2. Anyone in my first block...
There are thirty-eight others here... My relationships with these guys have been strange. There are some I get along with, some, I don't. Most, I don't, actually... I have been called names behind my back. I have my sources. I know that I am disliked, and it doesn't matter to me. I don't give a fuck whether they love me or not. Talking about block unity back in first year. WHAT BULLSHIT! What happened to unity? What part of unity is leaving someone out? What happened to me? I never felt like I was a part of that damned block unity we were talking so much about. I never felt it.
3. My second block...
This is a no-brainer... I'm not entirely close with these people. There are some, however, who I know I can grow to love... Mara, perhaps. Pat... maybe. Paoi and the others are pretty great guys too, however... We're not the best of friends. Too bad I didn't get to know them so much. Being with them might have changed my spiraling life a little bit better. What if I had just gotten to know them a little bit more? Would my life be different.... Maybe it would turn out significantly different.
4. My third block...
Easily a "no" as well. See number 1. The core of these guys that were really my friends took her side. I know we're all okay, but the judging has begun... and I am sick and tired of the innocent and omnipotent acts the front. If they knew who I was, what my history before college was, they would stop giving me their damn bullshit. I know they don't like me. I know that. I know that perhaps, if they knew anything at all about me, we wouldn't have even begun to be friends.
5. My neighbor...
No names yet again... He's a sort of neighbor. It would be gay to give the rose to a guy... But other than that, he tried to keep me from doing something I love... that did it. Maybe, I've been patient too long, maybe I just got tired of his condescending attitude at times. I'm tired of his disrespect towards my in-school brothers and sisters. Reciprocity of help and care is all we show for each other, but it's never been anything else. The bond feels like it is hung by tape, and will fall soon. But I hope it won't. Seems feasible.
6. Nica?
Changed me? Check. For the better? I wish I could say that. Everything I did not want to become, I became with her, and my personality has changed so much that I barely even know myself anymore. I am not the guy who I wanted to be, but I'm happy being me. So, what's wrong? Where's the me I used to know? What happened to the me I wanted to be? There's such a little part left, and I feel like this blood-sucking bitch took him away from me. So, I guess not...
7. The Frozen Bananas Family
In 2011, I became a TnT, a group of hyper bastards that run, jump and dance around the covered courts to welcome the freshmen each year. This is where (number 6) and I met. This family, though not being the reason, was when my life had changed a whole lot. I had met an amazing 100++ individuals, willing to be a family for a reason. Though I never really got along with everyone, I could say that I loved being a part of the family, though I don't share the same sentiments with each person. Of course, as individuals, you have to express a different liking for each of them. You can't like each one of them for the same reasons, and it's improbable to like one person as much as the other. Arjo had been a great friend in this introduction to the family. Geeroh, all the more. Jayvee, Drew, Jeje, and all the others I will not mention anymore for the sake of shortening the post have all been brothers and sisters to me. But then I only have one rose, and I can't give one to one hundred plus.
8. The First Batch of Babies
It has been more than one year since I left them. They have survived on their own for so long... and I'm a proud father of three (TnT terminologies). I am really proud of who they have become. They have been the better halves of me, and it's an amazing experience to TnT alongside that lot. I hope that one John Oliver joins their ranks next year. I will be a proud father of four by then. I wish to see them when I come back to visit, once I have moved on from that life.
9. The Second Bath of Babies
I don't want to admit this to anyone, but in general, I like this batch more. I have learned not to expect from promises, however, I have hope. So far, SKR, Jasmine, Hanna D., and Gabriel have all said they would be TnT's plus, two SecMobs in Thomas and Wayne, as I have heard. I hope for more, but they will never get to experience the OrSems I did for no OrSem is the same. They won't be able to handle a block like the block they showed me they could be. It makes me proud to see the only legacy that I have left for them. I have no concrete gift for them, nothing they could keep to remember me by. In the future, I will be just a fragment of their freshman memory. I won't be in existence to them anymore. In the future, they will be on their own. In the future, as much as I don't want to think about it, they won't be a block. They will be their own individuals, striving for their individual futures. The legacy that Juancho, Erika, Asia and myself will be nothing but memories in their hearts and in their minds. But we did our best, let's hope that the best was good enough.
I don't have so many options, but I have months to decide. I don't have so much time to think because of all the bullshit schoolwork. Then again, I might run into someone worth giving it to, or I may have missed someone. But thinking about this made me realize that I have, but is she the right one? I've always been running to her for a lot of the things in life. I could depend on her to be a friend, to be a bro, a sis, to be a part of a bigger family; to be a bigger part of my life. Maybe the recipient is who I expect it to be. The recipient could not be on the list. Maybe I'm intentionally forgetting to put her for the surprise, or maybe I want one of the ten options to be the one (see above). But there are only nine now, there's room for maybe, one more.
Monday, February 20, 2012
To Janine: A Sad Story
Let's get creative with this one. I'll tell you what happened in the form of a short story.
So, it was Valentine's day, 2012. As usual, Justin was excited to make things happen. As he performed the usual routine of bringing his sister school, he bought three flowers for three special friends, Mon, Nica and RJ. He got the school, awaited all his classes to end and immediately retrieved the flowers and rushed to where special friend number one was.
As all of his friends would have expected, it was Nica. With her was RJ. Justin was ready to give the flowers, and so he did. Nica was waiting for him, and RJ was busy writing all the Valentine's letters she was about to give. As RJ was finishing that, Justin stepped out with Nica by his side. Justin was eager to ask Nica out on Friday, despite the work they were going to do.
So he asked her out. Thinking that their relationship was supposed to at least guarantee that she'd be at least willing to share whatever surprise Justin and his friends have planned.
"Please, I could kind of use the money," Nica said.
"But this is something special," Justin had replied. "It would mean so much to me if I could share this moment with you."
Nica replied, "please, I could use the money. Please please please please..."
Nica kept going on and on about it. And even after Justin's explanation, she wouldn't listen.
Eventually, it came to the point where it had just hurt more than the rejection. Nica stopped saying please, and said, "ditcher," instead. It had hurt Justin deeply, until all the hurt turned into anger.
"I'll be right back," Justin said as he got his last rose, and stormed out.
Justin met up with his dear friend, Mon near the Sec-B staircase, where he gave the rose to her, and asked her out for Friday instead. Mon was unsure and had informed Justin of her case.
After they had bid each other farewell, Justin was headed back to retrieve his stuff from where he once was. He got a text from Nica, asking him to buy bluebooks for her class. Already past the store, he went back to obtain the items needed.
He went back gave the books, grabbed his bag, and then left almost immediately. Justin went to other friends hanging around nearby. It was killing him how Nica wouldn't accept. It broke his heart.
Only days later, Justin was test-flying the sky lanterns they had bought for the surprise, and it pained him to watch the lanterns fly away with his buddy, Miguel. He won't show it, but he was already crying on the inside. When he and Miguel ran out of things to do, Justin got in his car and drove back home in tears. He couldn't really sleep and was unsettled for quite a number of days.
Finally, the day had come for the actual surprise. Justin was there alone, with his couple-buddies, Miguel, Alexa, Michaela and Joma. He was watching the lanterns fly away, disheartened that the unreachable lanterns, instead of being an offering of a great relationship to the heavens, symbolized the unreachable love he could never find with the girl he thought he loved so much.
The end.
PS. I hope you liked it. Actually, no, I don't... It's never nice to like a sad story, especially if it's a true story.
PPS. It's a very sad ending to something I thought would be great. I'm through with heartbreak, and it's really killing me deep inside to find people I can love, but would not return the love I give up so easily.
Being in-love is easy for me. It's not easy to get back up, but taking the fall for someone else comes naturally. I just want someone to take the fall for me, too. But no one's willing to... Right now, I really don't want to care about anyone except myself, but no matter how much I want that, it's not natural for me. Looks like 2012 is not at all better than 2011. It's turning out even worse, and life isn't a climb; it's a cliff, nowhere else to go but down. Sad, isn't it?
So, it was Valentine's day, 2012. As usual, Justin was excited to make things happen. As he performed the usual routine of bringing his sister school, he bought three flowers for three special friends, Mon, Nica and RJ. He got the school, awaited all his classes to end and immediately retrieved the flowers and rushed to where special friend number one was.
As all of his friends would have expected, it was Nica. With her was RJ. Justin was ready to give the flowers, and so he did. Nica was waiting for him, and RJ was busy writing all the Valentine's letters she was about to give. As RJ was finishing that, Justin stepped out with Nica by his side. Justin was eager to ask Nica out on Friday, despite the work they were going to do.
So he asked her out. Thinking that their relationship was supposed to at least guarantee that she'd be at least willing to share whatever surprise Justin and his friends have planned.
"Please, I could kind of use the money," Nica said.
"But this is something special," Justin had replied. "It would mean so much to me if I could share this moment with you."
Nica replied, "please, I could use the money. Please please please please..."
Nica kept going on and on about it. And even after Justin's explanation, she wouldn't listen.
Eventually, it came to the point where it had just hurt more than the rejection. Nica stopped saying please, and said, "ditcher," instead. It had hurt Justin deeply, until all the hurt turned into anger.
"I'll be right back," Justin said as he got his last rose, and stormed out.
Justin met up with his dear friend, Mon near the Sec-B staircase, where he gave the rose to her, and asked her out for Friday instead. Mon was unsure and had informed Justin of her case.
After they had bid each other farewell, Justin was headed back to retrieve his stuff from where he once was. He got a text from Nica, asking him to buy bluebooks for her class. Already past the store, he went back to obtain the items needed.
He went back gave the books, grabbed his bag, and then left almost immediately. Justin went to other friends hanging around nearby. It was killing him how Nica wouldn't accept. It broke his heart.
Only days later, Justin was test-flying the sky lanterns they had bought for the surprise, and it pained him to watch the lanterns fly away with his buddy, Miguel. He won't show it, but he was already crying on the inside. When he and Miguel ran out of things to do, Justin got in his car and drove back home in tears. He couldn't really sleep and was unsettled for quite a number of days.
Finally, the day had come for the actual surprise. Justin was there alone, with his couple-buddies, Miguel, Alexa, Michaela and Joma. He was watching the lanterns fly away, disheartened that the unreachable lanterns, instead of being an offering of a great relationship to the heavens, symbolized the unreachable love he could never find with the girl he thought he loved so much.
The end.
PS. I hope you liked it. Actually, no, I don't... It's never nice to like a sad story, especially if it's a true story.
PPS. It's a very sad ending to something I thought would be great. I'm through with heartbreak, and it's really killing me deep inside to find people I can love, but would not return the love I give up so easily.
Being in-love is easy for me. It's not easy to get back up, but taking the fall for someone else comes naturally. I just want someone to take the fall for me, too. But no one's willing to... Right now, I really don't want to care about anyone except myself, but no matter how much I want that, it's not natural for me. Looks like 2012 is not at all better than 2011. It's turning out even worse, and life isn't a climb; it's a cliff, nowhere else to go but down. Sad, isn't it?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Feeling Needed
I don't know if I do have the right to get mad or anything, but this girl has been calling favors out from me. And yes, I do love her, so I try my best to do what she asks. If I can, then I will, if I can't, I'll try to help. It's been taking up a lot of time and sacrifice, but all of it's been killing me to the point that I feel like I'm just a need in her life.
Yes, I must admit that it feels good to feel needed at times, it makes me feel as if I'm important to someone, but it's nowhere near the feeling of being wanted and loved. And this girl makes me feel like I'm needed, but not in the good way. I feel like an expendable asset, and she needs me only to support her needs. That's not the way this should work. With certain groups, I feel needed and wanted. And I really want to feel loved. Not even by the gifts, or anything, I just want her to know that I'm there, and at least show me that she acknowledges me...... Here's to what I hope would be the last time she'll break my heart. Because of a stupid surprise that was planned for the girls, one thing that would have made me really happy to have experienced with her, then again... Now, after all the bullshit she's shown me... She's the last person I'd want to experience it with now.
Yes, that's her in the photo... During our "up" times. I know this will take time to get over, but... whatever happens should be for my happiness now. It's my turn to be selfish.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Forever (not quite) Alone (not quite).
So, it makes me kind of jealous that Junie has someone like Jellie to throw a surprise party for him, when the girl I like doesn't even notice me, and doesn't make as much effort as I give her.
It's sad to think about it, and since everyone around me is already starting to form a couple, I'm kind of left behind. What do I do now? I want her to do the same for me, she told me that she likes me (yes, that way). I don't feel it, though. What just happened to us? What happened to that moment last week? It's something worth remembering in my mind, because she was someone I really liked, and I really thought she was different from everyone else, but I guess, I don't know what to believe anymore. In any case, she could be a really great girl, if only she'd changed a little bit. There's just something about her. I know she's not all that to anyone else, but she's more than that to me. I guess I just need a little bit of faith, trust in her. What do I do when I can no more? I have my friends, but I still feel so alone. I just wish something would happen, and I have to do something about it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Run Away
I know... it’s college. I’m supposed to do all the stupid stuff now. Why do I feel like I’m not? Life’s such a drag these days, and the worst part is, I have no one to talk to about it. Nica’s being non-responsive, and the others, I can’t even seem to tell. I want to get away from life as soon as possible. Maybe it would just be best for me to just disappear already, maybe for good. I don’t know where to go, though. It’s not a good idea, but it’s certainly better than staying here, where I am now. I could really use someone to talk to, but with all the bullshit that’s been happening, I am feeling so alone. I don’t really know what the best decision is right now, so I'll think it through. I'll find my ways.
I really wish I had someone to talk to, but right now, I feel like this is all I've got, some random blog that will help me at least make how I feel into something tangible, at least a collection of words, telling me how I really feel, and a way to go back to it. Right now, I want to hide, and just forget everything, all the bullshit that's been happening in my life. I want to run away, and not be found, maybe ever.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Happy New Year (Oops)
So, my last post was mistaken. I guess she didn't just get my hopes up. She didn't at all. She's still someone pretty special to me. I guess something might happen soon, I'm not sure if I really want it, but I have to make this mistake (if it is) to see where it will go. What can I do, now that the damage has been done?
She used to drive me crazy, then I couldn't stand her. Then, maybe, now she drives me crazy again. Is there really something wrong in this situation? I guess, or I could be wrong. Whatever this may be, I guess I have to deal with it. I have to live up to what has happened. I guess this has to lead somewhere. I'm waiting to see where it does.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Year
Now that I am in the dark, it is safe for me to say a lot. I won’t name names, just in case.
There was nothing else for me to be happy about with everything the way things turned out by the middle of the year 2011. Everything that I knew I should have been happy about turned out terribly wrong. It really is that hard to give everything for someone who wouldn’t return the favor. It has happened so many times, but I never seem to learn from it. I had become closer to the friends I have now, mostly in the KD groups, we had something to do, I had a part in it. I feel important, special and wanted there. That’s really the only thing I ever wanted, to feel loved. Something I rarely felt at all last year, especially with everything that has happened. I started to stop trusting certain people. I started not to care, I started becoming someone that I wasn’t (but then again, I think I was).
It all started with being in love, getting my hopes up. Her actions spoke for themselves. The actions were really no one could look over. It was entirely different from what she had said to begin with. Then, suddenly, one day, it was all gone. Everything we had just disappeared. Then, she ends up going back to normal, but suddenly in the arms of another. Did I really mean absolutely nothing to her? Or was she just too damn selfish to care about how I felt, and only care about how everything benefited her? I don’t really care now.
Then came along the second of all people who can get my hopes up; except, this time, it was a whole lot worse. This time, she had actually admitted that she had feelings for me. And she knew what happened. What happened with us, though? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I’m not even sure if we’re still friends after all we’ve been through. Talk about being led on… It’s much worse, but it wasn’t selfish. She was just confused, and it was crazy.
Third thing is the bitch, who I am convinced, ruined my already horrible life. I am certain that she is, indeed, selfish. She is a terrible liar, who manipulates people so she could get what she wants. But she has brought everyone else together against her. It’s been crazy, and I kind of feel like she did what she did in order to ruin another person’s image in my head (or to ruin my image in another person’s head). Either way, I don’t really think that she was ever my friend. Maybe, she was just passing it off to get someone on her side, perhaps to feel sorry for her when everyone would start to turn their backs on her. Too bad, I did, too.
These three people have nothing in common (except for the fact, that somehow, they managed to make 2011 a little bit more horrible). This started the decline, and I’m starting to feel a whole lot worse than how I ended in 2010. And 2010, was a whole lot better, even if it wasn’t spectacular.
But I have my friends, I have two couples, who I know would accept me for who and what I am. Along with a few other people, people who I consider like my brothers and sisters now.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Special
Special... Let us define:
SPECIAL:
1. distinct or particular in kind; unique
2. intended for a specific function, purpose or occasion
3. not ordinary or usual
4. exceptional
5. particularly valued
Particularly valued. I always set aside places for the best of things: like some folder in my computer for photos I love, files I always love to replay and play. I have a space in my room where all my most-used stuff are, like my basketball and my guitars, a small space under my bed where my shoes go. I always have space in my schedules for the people I love to hang out with. And I have a space in my heart for the people I love.
Who are these people anyway? These people are many: different people from different places, who have come into my life at different times. They hold their values, maybe different, but I try to make it equal, but you can't help holding other people closer than others. You can't help liking one person more. And especially in certain cases, you can't really help but outgrow some people; especially if these people had been involved in something wrong with you.
I don't want to get into details. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, of losses, of pain. I've had my fair share of confusion, of trial. I've had a fit of anger that is pretty hard to get over. It's getting better now. I don't need all the drama. I've a special place for all of that, it's called the past.
Right now, in the present, I've only limited space for things I really value. Well... I don't include crushes here, it would be impossible to rank them without bias, and you wouldn't believe me if I didn't, but these are the PEOPLE (people first) that I hold dear to me. Nica and Jayvee, without them, my TNT experience would be a bummer, perhaps.
Nica and Jayvee would probably be part of the barkada I wish I had long ago when I was younger. With them, nothing seems to be as heavy and as stressful. I'd probably be stuck in a heap of drama and loneliness if it weren't for these guys. I'm so thankful to God to have brought great friends like these into my life. No one's perfect, but some people come close, and there are things as the PERFECT FRIENDS.
The TNT's basically are all in there for me. I just needed to special mention two people. I would mention others, but I decided just now, about a hundred times that I will mention the other special TNT's in other posts, because this post is especially for them. :)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
This is... What is This?
I created this blog, not necessarily for TNT-related posts only. This blog was meant for anything that I needed to hide from the R4 girls.
I just realized something... not today... sometime ago, but my realization was made deeper today...
For everything with regards to the internals of their group, they can not be trusted with secrets. Secrets spread among them. I used to love all of them with all my heart that I did not want to accept anyone but any of them as "the one" for me. Now that the TNT's have opened my eyes to a whole new family outside R4 and QQ1, I'm no longer bound by the thoughts and beliefs I once had.
I now realize that life is TOO MUCH drama with all the R4 girls. I only used to KNOW J***** C*******. I only used to like her. Life was much, much simpler then. Then I knew N****, C****, G*****, D****** and S****. C found out that I like N, then soon enough, everyone else knew. I should've known then that, that was their biggest flaw.
Now, my drama's getting more intense. N used to be my best friend, and where is she now? Probably off sharing her life with some other new friends. What happened? I know my part. I don't know hers. She doesn't want to talk about it. I wonder why?
I needed someone to talk to about this, I talked to J and C. So, if I talked to them, HOW THE FUCK did D find out? Obviously, logic points us to only one answer: they squealed. I need someone to shout to, so I shout into thin air, into an imaginary body that I can pretend hears me. It helps me relieve any untoward feelings I have against anyone. I was screaming in the car on the ride home.
It's a good thing I have this outlet for myself. I might go crazy not being to secretly share with the world how I really feel. THIS IS... What is this? This is my personal... well... something like a gemstone. It's worth a lot of my life, but I don't think anyone will find it so easily.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Preparty
Post-preparty. This blog is delayed so much, I know.
It was such a WILD night. It was a story about basketball, swimming, condoms, music, but most importantly, the night was about our family.
July 2, 2011, 12pm.
The moment Marketing101 ended, I was so eager to leave. Paasa Bitch was all set to leave, I had no idea where she went, and that ended the story of a horrible week. However, I was in a party mood and wasn't going to allow that to get to me, not when I was with my family.
I spent most of that afternoon with Arjo and Nica. We went out to Eastwood, had lunch in Fazoli's, picked on the breadsticks, danced along with the people at Johnny Rockets'. It's always something epic when I'm out with those people.
Later on, we picked up the box-loads of liquor, and crammed six people into my tiny car: Anina, Chan, Gabby, and Mark. John was supposed to tag along, but he woke up late(sayang!).
Then, the pre-party experience. It was a night filled with everything, just the right amount of drama(myself and Nica), happiness(I'm sure everyone), somewhat confusion(Hello Boo Gabunada), and a sense of home away from home(Frozen Bananas). It was something I just needed after the week of heartbreak and loneliness that I had gone through.
That's just the basic... Let's try to list the top 10 moments of the pre-party:
10. Dunk Contest
-On Nica's basketball hoop... It could be lowered, making dunking possible. EPIC
9. Basketball game (with Sam and Den)
-Justin terrorizing Sam and Den by playing basketball shirtless. EPIC
8. Sound Trip
-Everyone was singing on the karaoke machine, and playing on the guitar and piano. Songs. EPIC
7. Egyptian Pokpok
-Card game. Derivative of Slap Jack. EPIC
6. The Condom Sleep Over
-Matt, Mela , Pat all woke up with condoms on their bodies. EPIC
5. Boner Bubbles
-Boner bubbles, b-b-boner bubbles. Miki. EPIC
4. Kev Mayuga's dunk
-Kev Mayuga missed a dunk, ON A REGULATION HEIGHT HOOP. It missed, but still EPIC.
3. The Flying TNT's (into the pool)
-Adi and the others were throwing people into the swimming pool. EPIC
2. Boo
-Drunk off his ass. EPIC FUNNY.
1. Other Mark's body shot
-Self-explanatory. EPIC.
Then, of course, there were the highs, there are also the lows. I wouldn't know everything, despite the gossip that I am:
Nica's issue with Drew. //WRIST
Nica's issue with Drew. //WRIST
Tim apologizing to me. Straight face. WTF!
Shana's and my Flat tires. DAMN.
Friday, July 1, 2011
T.N.T.
Tunay na Tao
Tigang na Tigang
Tago nang Tago
Talks 'n Tours
Sa maraming kahulugan ng TNT, maraming maaaring maging bagay sa akin. Ngunit, sa pagsusulat nito, kailangan ko munang magTNT, tago nang tago.
Sino'ng tinataguan ko? Marami. Marami sa mga kaibigan kong hindi makauunawa sa kalagayan ko. Mga kaibigan kong unti-unti nang lumalayo't pinalalayas ako sa pagsasamang nabubuo nila. Tulad ng nag-iisang piraso ng hotdog na natitira sa tuwing almusal sa umaga. Tulad ng isang guro na walang gustong kumuha kapag enlistment sa Ateneo. Lilimutin na lamang, hangga't sa wala nang ibang magagawa kundi kunin na.
Ang hindi matiis na gutom ay magdudulot sa paglamon ng nag-iisang hotdog natitira sa pinggan. Ang malas na random number sa Ateneo, ay magbubunga ng pangit na iskedyul at mga propesor, mga propesor na dapat lang ay iwasan. Ang pagbuo ng samahan ng mga taong minamahal mo, at hindi ka nagsasama, saan bubunga?
Silang lahat, ang mga kaibigan kong nag-ampon sa akin sa kanilang grupo, sila ang minahal ko nang lubos, lahat nama'y ginawa/handa kong gawin para sa kanila. Ngunit, hanggang sa ngayo'y minsan, hindi ko pa rin lubos na nararamdaman na kaya nilang tanggapin ang kalokohang gagawin ko sa buhay.
Magmula sa pagpasok nila sa buhay ko, parang wala man lang magandang nangyari hanggang sa makilala ko ang pamilyang kinabubuhayan ko sa ngayon, ang pamilyang TNT. Mahigit isang daang tao, sa pagkakilala ko sa kanila matapos ang tatlong araw ng pag-eensayo at tatlo pang araw ng Ateneo OrSem, natanggap na namin lahat ang isa't isa. Bakit ganun? Totoo nga ba itong pamilyang natagpuan ko?
Totoo nga, kasi nangyari sa akin. Sa uulitin kong pagsalaysay nitong k'wento ng buhay kong ito, mahalaga parati ang mga kaibigan ko, lalo na't ang nalalayo sa akin, ngunit higit sa lahat na mahalaga ang pamilyang nagtatanggap sa akin, sa kasamaan, sa kabutihan, sa kagaguhan, sa kahit ano. Sino nga ba ang tatanggap sa akin? Sino pa ba? Ang mga Tunay Na Taong bahagi ng aking pamilya. Alam kong ang drama ng kinalalabasan, ngunit hindi na nadadaan sa iyak ang nararamdaman ko, kasi kung hindi kong kayang aminin na mayroong mastatanggap sa akin kaysa sa iba, baka hindi ko naman matanggap ang sarili ko. Kailangan ko nang tanggapin na masmamahalin ako ng iba kaysa sa iba, at ang karapat-dapat na makakukuha ng pagmamahal ko ay ang mga taong masmagmamahal sa akin.
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